The Sassy Infertile Lady

Inviting Drama

2012-02-08T08:54:00.000-05:00

As much as I wish it wasn’t true, I think I invite drama into my life with open arms. I’m always in these crazy, awkward situations where I’m left speechless or cussing in the car as I’m leaving. Likely both. There is a lot on my shoulders right now. I’m trying to balance it all, but it’s impossible to do so. Life doesn’t work that way. Tides ebb and flow. It’s like when the laundry shifts in the washing machine all to one side and the machine starts making this awful banging noise. It won’t stop until you reshift everything and start the load again.

Being a career mom is hard. Yes, I love it. I could not stay at home without going crazy for longer than a month. But the mommy guilt is difficult, especially when they are sick and you still take them to day care even thought you KNOW that you shouldn’t. “But, I have this work thing…it’s so important,” I say to myself and hubs. My husband and I start jockeying to be the person that goes to work, vs. stays home. Who’s day is more important? Who stays and who goes? Who feels left out? Oh, and then it’s making sure Bryce is getting the care he needs. And oh wait, what about that conference call at work you just forgot all about? Will that jeopardize your job?

I could go on and on.

This leads to the conversation about expanding the family…is this inviting more drama? I’ll never be able to stay at home full-time with the kids. They would absolutely have to go to day care. Is that fair? We want to grow our family…but is it what’s best for them…or us? It’s a lot to consider.

Also on my shoulders is the health care of my mother. Recently, she had an ultrasound of her throat and she received feedback quickly after the ultrasound that her gourd was extremely enlarged and that there were nodules growing all around it. That doesn’t sound good? Cancer or noncancerous – a biopsy with a needle going in the neck wouldn’t excite anyone. And my poor mom, who lives alone two hours from me, is a ball of nerves and stress about it. She is all I have…and I love her fiercely. But, she’s the worlds worse health care advocate for herself…so I need to be at each doctor’s appointment to fight for good care for her. What’s up with that generation? They take a doctor’s word at face value…when doctor’s are not always right…they don’t always know what’s best for their patient. That’s why you have to be a smart patient. Anyone whose gone through infertility treatment knows this truth… So, we’ll see what happens next. This is heavy…

Throw on my shoulders trying to be a decent wife, good mom to a hormonal teenager who rolls his eyes and manage my career and it feels like the load has shifted all to one side. At this point, I don’t think there is an easy answer because all of it must be handled…but it certainly helps to be able to discuss it here.

Shower Follow-up

2012-02-06T09:10:00.001-05:00

So, I'm going to be real with you. (Yes, I'm always pretty real...but seriously real right now.)

From my perspective, baby showers are cool when you're the one that's receiving the much needed stuff for a baby - through birth or adoption. I don't want anyone to think that I don't think they are great when you're the one experiencing it.

But, what I will say, is that the host needs to make DARN sure that it's not uncomfortable for 50 percent of the people in attendance. For a couple's shower, it's harder. The host has to work to bring folks together to meet, feel apart of conversations, laughing, drinking, merriment - for both the men and the women.

That all said, the party we went to on Saturday was a 2 out of 10 on the fun scale. To be brutally honest, the host was awful. I'm not being mean...just up front. No one talked to each other. The food was catered and cold. The host came up and talked to my husband about his ex girlfriend...who is very fertile and is having (naturally) her second child. Folks were snobby. No cake. No gifts or token cookies to the poor folks that came. We were pretty miserable. You see, the baby shower was for my husband's best friend and his wife. Ten years ago, my husband dated his best friend's cousin. He then broke her heart...so needless to say, everyone remembers. This was the first time I met them. They very clearly were still bitter.

No more baby showers for me for a long time. Or, bridal showers either. These awkward get togethers leave so much to be desired. (Cranky, I know)

Non-highlights of the party:

Birthing baby talk
All comments about hub's ex girlfriend who everyone at that party had loved...even grandma. Yay...
Watching the happy couple open presents for an hour
Conversation from folks about how wonderful cloth diapers are...that's bullshit, literally...I type that as I gag.
The color scheme...blue, gray and yellow... just awkward combo (to me)
Lack of anything with sugar...
Cold fish in the food lineup... who wants fish breath when they are meeting new, snobby peeps?

I could go on and on, but I won't punish you with more nonverbal assault of the event.

I think you got the point.

Onward and upward! Have a great week!

It Always Comes Down to Money Honey

2012-02-03T09:26:00.000-05:00

Isn't that the truth.

Why is IVF not covered by insurance companies?

Why is everything about IVF so expensive?

Why was I not born independently wealthy?

Why did I not marry a very rich man?

Pity party of one...here...hello!

After raising money for adoption, how the hell am I going to turn around and raise money for IVF? I have nothing left to sell. I'm not crafty. I could become a prostitute, but that's not very classy...and I'm not skinny. ARGH.

At this point, I don't know how I'm going to make ANYTHING related to another child work. I'm hoping we get a large tax return this year because we're filing for the adoption tax credit, but I don't know how much or what to expect.

Just frustrated with money...what to do, what to do...

Who likes babyshowers?

2012-02-01T12:52:00.002-05:00

It's been a while since I've been to a babyshower. That's probably a good thing. I don't particularly like them. Seriously, how many infertile chics do?

I've been trying to decide what I think of going to this babyshower on Saturday. Am I upset? Am I happy to go? I think I'm truly just indifferent...and I'd like to get it over with.

It's a couple's shower. I think that makes it easier. How many guys really want to talk about gut-wrenching birth stories, conception or labor. I think the conversation will be light. I guess I'm hoping it will be light.

Do you like going to baby showers? How do you approach them when you're invited? Do you think a couple's baby shower is easier to navigate? I'm interested in your thoughts on this one!

AMH

2012-01-31T16:02:00.003-05:00

I got my AMH results back and...
I'm actually normal!

My level was 2.1; the range is 0.0 – 6.9.

Looks like we're proceeding to IVF...

Interested in more information about this test? Click here.
Here's a good study to review as well.

*Also, please note that each doctor may rate these levels a little differently. The fact is, however, if you haven't had this test and you're doing IVF, be sure to ASK FOR IT! Sometimes we have to be our own best advocate to ensure we receive the BEST CARE possible.

Quiet

2012-01-31T11:11:00.000-05:00

I haven't received many comments regarding the last couple of posts I wrote. Perhaps the posts suck, which is completely possible. Or, folks are busy...or the topic isn't relevant. Not sure... but I def. miss comments. Especially since I feel like such a novice regarding IVF and I appreciate any feedback or thoughts, especially if something I'm saying is completely off base and incorrect. So, please feel free to correct me as needed.

I feel good taking DHEA and Coq10 as well as a new multivitamin. I actually feel like I have more energy which I love. I'll likely go off DHEA at some point...the side effects for some people aren't fun - hair loss, lower voice, etc. because it contains testosterone. But, I'll keep taking coq10...it helps with heart health and so much more!

Anyway - nothing more to report here. What's up with you? Anything new? Talk to me!

Crazy Driving

2012-01-27T10:10:00.001-05:00

I realize my blogy blog is taking a bit of an awkward turn. Some of you might be scratching your head and thinking, “Hmmm…she failed one IVF and then adopted and now back to IVF…she’s nuts,” or perhaps you’re thinking, “This adoption blog has changed completely. She sucks. I’m leaving.” If that’s the case, I’m sorry…but as with life, everything changes. And with me, I’m the queen of change. I will never have a buttoned up life full of expected outcomes. I realize that and I’m really okay with it. It makes my life a lot more interesting than those folks who thrive on expectations that I know IRL.

So, as a PR person, I’m sorry for the crazy change with my blog. Please forgive this turn of events.

But, as me, I’m really not sorry for the change with my blog. I’m sorry for not being sorry.

Not sure if that makes sense…

I’m a roller-coaster and I’m okay with it. Luckily hubs is too and that’s why we actually feel really good right now. Shall I say happy? We’re in a good place. Bryce is doing great. He’s sleeping through the night (FINALLY). D-man has straight A’s and is heading to high school soon. And, I’m only 32. Why not? Let’s do this.

Unless, of course, I have diminished egg reserves. Then, no go. But I’m okay with that too. At least I’ll have answers. I hate the unknown.

Want to know what I hate the unknown? It’s because my Dad died of a massive heart attack. He knew something was wrong months before he died. He had 6 doctor’s appointments set up and he canceled every one of them because he was scared to know what was wrong with him. He was 42. Then, suddenly, he died. He could have saved his own life. But, he didn’t because of fear. I will not be that person. I want to know…and then I’ll be empowered to make decisions.

Thanks for your understanding and I hope you’ll stay with me as I swerve back and forth. But, if you don't, I totally understand. Happy weekend everyone!

Confirmations

2012-01-26T19:34:00.002-05:00

After our last minute meeting with our new RE, I had several assumptions confirmed: 1) the place I went to for my first IVF cycle didn't treat me, they just treated the condition; 2) there is more to the story about why I can't conceive; 3) I knew my AMH should have been tested, but it wasn't (at the old place). There were probably other assumptions confirmed, but my tired brain can't remember them all.

For number one: The RE or team of REs where I went for my first IVF worked in a big hospital with a lot of bureaucracy, paperwork, departments, divisions and little communication internally to ensure there was a continuous continuum of care for the patients. I hated that environment. Furthermore, they had a nearly one size fits all approach to treating infertility with a standard IVF protocol for everyone without truly looking at other factors with the person. It was like being in a kitchen - "Okay, we'll put you on a little of this and a little of that and then we'll check you in three days and hope for the best!" I quickly learned that's not the type of care I want. If I'm paying out of pocket for these services, there is a quality of care I demand and advocate for...

For number two: The new RE believes I may have diminished ovarian reserve. He realizes that there is a reason why I didn't respond to the dosage of medication and that it isn't always as easy as amping the meds up...but what is causing the underlying issues? No one has ever connected those dots. Plus, we had an interesting conversation about how my thyroid disorder and my spleen enlargement - all diagnosed in 2008 - may or may not be related... At this point, we don't know for sure. But, I was interested in learning more.

For number three: Have you ever heard of a AMH test? Interested in learning more? Here it is:

AMH (Anti-Mullerian Hormone), also called MIS (Mullerian Inhibiting Substance) is produced directly by the ovarian follicles. Women with lower AMH have lower antral follicular counts and produce a lower number of oocytes. AMH level testing can also be very useful for young women who want to postpone childbearing, but want to check their fertility potential before doing so.

It is as simple as a blood draw and I'll find out next week. I had heard about this test two years ago, but it really wasn't the standard practice and it wasn't pushed or encouraged. This was the first thing the new RE wanted to do...so I had my blood drawn before I left the office today to check it. I look forward to the results. Good or bad, at least I'll know. If it's bad, we won't pursue IVF because we don't want to walk down the donor egg avenue. At least we'll have some answers.

Next steps: Unfortunately, my old RE didn't send my stimulation report to this new RE and I couldn't remember (I know...sad...) the dosages of the meds I took. As such, and with the results in hand from the AMH, we're going to meet again for a follow-up consultation in two weeks. He wants to order several more tests depending on how this goes. So, the next appointment is on Feb. 16.

He also suggested that I take the following in the meantime...

DHEA - 50 milligrams (DHEA is now used worldwide, benefiting thousands of women every year who, otherwise, would have had no choice but to resort to egg donation.)
C0Q 10 - 100 - 200 milligrams (A study reported in the September 2009 issue of "Fertility and Sterility" by researchers from the Toronto Centre for Advanced Reproductive Technology looked at the role of CoQ10 in improving egg quality in female mice.) Interesting huh?
Back on a multivitamin

I like this doctor because he shoots strait (funny analogy for an RE).... he's realistic. He said, "Listen, if these numbers come back and the tests show you have diminished egg reserves, I will recommend you don't move forward with IVF unless you have donor eggs. I will be honest with you whether you like the answer or not." I like that... the other place would simply say, okay, let's try round two...and three and four. He's thinking thoughtfully about me...and my condition...and my infertility - not just infertility.

Doing a little research last night, I found this body of information that sounds like what he's interested in pursing...

So, that's where we are. Any questions? Any experiences to share? Let me know...still soaking it all in right now... :-)

Yikes...

2012-01-25T16:23:00.001-05:00

I just had my appointment with the lead RE at our practice of "choice" moved up to TOMORROW at 3 p.m. I'm scrambling to get my medical records together and any questions we might have on paper. YIKES!!!

I have to act like I have my shit together tomorrow...pleaseeeeeeeeeeee wish us luck!

Thanks!

Tackling IVF

2012-01-24T13:03:00.000-05:00

Thanks for everyone’s comments on my last post. I truly hate discussing the money, but for us, it’s a must and I know that for many of you it is as well. So, as tacky as it might be, I’m all about full disclosure.

Today, I want to tackle IVF.

This is still on the table for us. Hubs and I went to lunch today to talk about our options and how we want to move forward. The conversation definitely leaned more toward IVF then it ever had before. With IVF, we do not have the reimbursement of funds from hubs’ company, but we do have options for funding – such as medical loans and payment plans, etc. And, we could take it one IVF treatment at a time. The one plus of going this route is that ALL medication is paid for with my hubs prescription insurance. That’s a big savings ($3,000 - $8,000).

So…today I’ve set up an appointment with our IVF health care provider of choice. We are NOT using the group we used last time. The last time was an AWFUL experience…and I want to go somewhere that delivers more personalized care. About two years ago, we actually went to this place, but decided against it because of their pricing at the time. Plus, we were SO new to IVF… and we went with the cheapest bargain. Lesson learned…you get what you pay for.

So, why IVF? Good question. Especially since my first and only time attempting IVF was awful.

I’m in a better place emotionally right now…and have a much more supportive job. It’s a crazy job, but at least I have normal working hours and a boss that will understand what IVF means when I talk to her about it. After all, her son and his wife had twins with IVF.
I’m still a little stuck on the “what-if” and “what would a little us look like:
I'm 32 and if we’re going to try this, we need to do it now
There are other reasons…more personal reasons…too and we’re excited to see where this might lead us.

Whatever the outcome, good or bad, I know hubs and I are in it for the long run…this is a journey after all and we’d kick ourselves if we didn’t fully vet this option.

So, I’m trying to relearn what I learned two years ago and gather all the information I need for our first appointment. If you have any suggested questions that we should be sure to ask, please post. I appreciate all feedback and support.

Are the other options off the table yet? No…they are ALL still on.

Money Talk

2012-01-23T15:55:00.000-05:00

Seriously, I hate to talk about the cost of adoption. There are no two adoption experiences that are the same, especially in the cost department. But, it's an important aspect of the adoption process that anyone and everyone has to seriously consider before moving forward. Typically, domestic adoption runs less than international adoption, but I have to say, with our initial research so far - looking at an adoption agency in Georgia, one in Utah, two in North Carolina and one in South Carolina - the fees are through the roof. I completely understand that fees with state judicial systems are going up, especially with budget deficits and that many nonprofit adoption agencies have been impacted by the recession and economy; however, for a domestic adoption to run $20-$30K, just seems insane to me.

Full disclosure, our adoption of Bryce totaled a bit more than $15K. I thought at the time that was pretty good. With a 10K reimbursement through hub's job, we were able to handle this with little financial impact. Now, the same agency we used with Bryce's adoption, has increased its standard fee to $25K. That doesn't include the Web site they want you to go out and buy from a preferred vendor for $1,800 or the manditory DNA testing (total BS). That's a lot of money for us. I don't want to be in debt until I die. If we went with them again, we would be.

It's depressing to look at the numbers when they are THAT high. And, when you look at the fine print, in many situations they ask for the money all at once or within a three week period. That takes major financial maneuvering.

So, the search for us is on for adoption agencies with fees under $20K. I hate to put a price limit on it, but the reality is that we have to. At this point, we're looking for agencies to just do our homestudy. I don't want to commit to just one agency yet. And, we're still pondering going through a referral agency or going through one single agency. With a referral agency you have no control about what agency you'll have to work with at the end point - I've heard both great and awful stories. It's a luck of the draw. With a standard adoption agency the wait could be more than a year. It's a toss up.

As we continue to research our options, I'll let you know what path we head down. Let me know if you have any questions!

Moving Forward

2012-01-22T13:27:00.004-05:00

I guess my last post was pretty ambitious. I didn't really capture the decision making we've been trying to take on. I didn't really capitalize on the enormity that this decision has for us. It's huge on many levels, such as financially, relationships (internally and externally), careers, etc.

And, we had a family meeting with D-man to talk with him about this huge decision. He knows how difficult it has been with Bryce. He's been here, has helped on so many levels and realizes the enormity of this decision too. He looked at us and said, "That's great! I support it."

I was worried. D-man has had his good days and bad days sharing the spotlight, but he's doing much better now. His main concern was the IVF option. He asked us to take that off the table. He didn't want to see me, as he saw me before, bitching and moaning about the shots, hormones and failure. He has a point for a 14 year old.

As we look at our other options - foster-to-adopt and domestic adoption - it's a lonely road to toe no matter what we decide. And, first things first, a home study is needed.

So, we're trying to decide if we want to go the private pay home study route or if we want to go the state pay through foster-to-adopt program home study route. Obviously, the state way takes months longer. A private home study is much faster. But, it comes at a cost. Decisions, decisions...

So, we're on our way! Stay tuned for much more... :)

And oh, by the way, this is my disclaimer as we move forward: I'm going to be sharing my honest opinions about the various options we're considering. This will be based on my experience only, and I'll apologize now if any of my comments differ from your thoughts/comments or ideas. :-)

A little news...

2012-01-17T11:05:00.002-05:00

A little news…

Hubs and I are thinking about expanding our family again.

Before you get excited, this may not happen in 2012…it very well may be 2013.

What’s on the table at this point? IVF (yes, again, even though I had the worst first experience ever), foster-to-adopt and domestic adoption. What scares me? The cost of every option. We have limited resources and cannot drop $25,000 on any option. We have a lot of question marks right now about which way to go and how we should move forward.

My blog is a bit more relevant again…

Here we go...

This Kid Loves Books

2012-01-13T08:00:00.000-05:00

I'm raising one kid who hates books. I'm not proud of that fact. It's rather embarrassing really. I wish he loved to read. I tried...but sadly, he always resisted. "Mom, it's not my thing." I use to hear him say this in third grade while I threaten grounding him until he was an adult. "Mom, there are no pictures." "Mom, the topic is boring." "Mom, it's not realistic." "Mom I hate reading." I've heard it all.
This year, now that he's in 8th grade, he has to read 40 books by May. He's on #18 and we've told him that he better read a book a week or else. It's torture for him and I wonder if he's just skimming the book to the end. It wouldn't surprise me. Bottom line, it's been a struggle. We've had some success this year finding graphic novels, like The.Walking.Dead (zombie stuff), that he's really enjoyed. But, someone gave him the book War.Horse for Christmas and he was truly disgusted. He read three pages and said, "Hell No." Well, he didn't say "Hell" but that was the gist of his attitude.

On the other hand, Bryce loves books more than air. He thrives on them. He will ask me to read book after book for hours and hours. It's so extreme that sometimes, when hubs and I are super exhausted, we think about places to hide the books...awful, I know.

This is how it goes down...

Bryce brings us a book and says, "EEEEEeeeee, EEEEeeeee." We think this means, "Read to me now stupid parents." So, we read the book and flip the pages with him intently watching.

Then, he gets up, goes to get another book, and sits back down in our lap saying, "Eeeeee...Eeeeeeee." And so it continues FOR HOURS.

If we say, "No Bryce, not right now." He'll scream, cry and yell at us both...It's torture to him.

Never did I think I would ever have a child that would love books as much as he does. I think it's truly wonderful, but a happy medium would be good too, ya know? We even have his older brother read to him from time to time, but we don't let him count those books as part of his 40 book goal. That would be too easy...

Cheers to building literacy skills for all - young and old(er)!

Here is a photo from my favorite moment the other night - we read this entire stack of books before bath time.

Sometimes

2012-01-12T08:00:00.002-05:00

Sometimes, I look at Bryce when he has no idea I'm looking at him and when he's in a good mood, which is somewhat rare, but sometimes... I hold my breath for a moment and think about how truly lovely Bryce has made our life. Sometimes, I can't believe that he's our son and I wonder if he'll ever know how much he's loved. Sometimes, I feel guilty that I'm not doing enough to enrich his life with powerful early childhood experiences. Sometimes, I find so much joy in his laughter, giggles and smile.

I wish it was all the time. But, life happens and I completely forget to stop and just feel amazing.

This is my stop sign today.

Bryce is an awesome little boy. And even though we are still punch drunk with exhaustion, we wouldn't trade one sleepless night, booger nose, ear infection or tantrum.

He's a cool dude and I'm just glad to have the opportunity to be his Momma.

WTF Wednesday

2012-01-11T09:43:00.000-05:00

Yes, it's back! {cue the cheers}
This week's WTF Wednesday post is brought to you by the crazy chick at a meeting I attended yesterday...

Yesterday, I attended a big meeting to talk about messaging, communications across our state and branding strategies. It was a good meeting with a lot of wonderful information flowing.

At the 5 minute break, which ended up being a 20 minute break because the speaker was jumped by interested folks with questions, I engaged a woman in conversation who just got her position. She was clearly excited about the new gig.

Then, a former co-worker of hers walked up (while we were talking) and the former colleague said, "Wow, I didn't know you left. Where are you now." The new lady dropped our convo (which I hate when people do) and started chatting her up.

Just when I thought, well, this is awkward, I'm going to go find someone else to talk to...

I heard her say....

"Ohhhh, and I don't know if you know, but I'm pregnant. It's number two...giggles."

I swear she was on a loud speaker when she shrieked the news.

The woman, who clearly looked taken back...she was probably thinking what I was thinking. WOW - ballsy move to take a new job and then declare your pregnancy....said, "What are you having this time?"

The woman popped back, "Oh, I'm barely 10 weeks along. I have no idea. But I'll Facebook you and let you know. Giggles."

In my head, I said, "WTF." A couple thoughts here:

1) 9 weeks along and telling the working world - ballsy - I could never do that. I'd be in labor before I told anyone after this crazy infertility journey.
2) Taking a new job w/out telling the new employer (which I did find out later) that your pregnant and then declaring it during your first week - ballsy/batshitcrazy. That's not the best way to build and strengthen relationships.
3) How nice would it be to be so carefree with such news...yes, I'm totally jealous!
4) Stop giggling when you talk, lady. It's not cute.
5) I'm so glad I'm not FB friends with her!

WANTED AD

2012-01-08T19:38:00.003-05:00

Ladies, you know how difficult it is as an adult to make friends. If you think it's easy, then you're the homeroom parent, classroom volunteer or PTA president. I picture that those ladies are pretty connected and gather friends like notches on a belt. But for so many of us, to make an adult friend who likes us for who we are, we deals with our moods and still likes us, who understands, listens and keeps secrets, who is just as sarcastic as we are, who cusses and laughs and does NOT play the one-up game...it's damn near impossible.

Seriously. Damn near impossible.

I almost want to put a WANTED ad in the local newspaper. It would probably be titled something like this: MWF (Married White Female) Seeking F for BFF. What would that WANTED ad say? This is what I'm thinking. You could probably add to this list.

MWF Seeking F for BFF must be/have:

A hilarious laugh that borders on snorting; likes to laugh often
Not hell-bent on body image, exercising, pilates, yoga and other things in which she feels like she has to brag about it ALL THE TIME
Wears hoodies occasionally...when needed of course
Wears jeans
Confident; sticks up for you and is a solid friend
Cusses, jokes, drinks wine and/or beer and makes you laugh (if you're in to that)
Does not play the one-up game, i.e. "I had a long week at work." "Oh no, you don't know long...I had a MUCH longer week at work...it was so long and busy...wow."
Enjoys outings; easy shopper that does not wander (I don't want to look everywhere for you for an hour!)
Good stories (a must!); enjoys talking about crazy adventures from college...lol
Keeps secrets you share and doesn't disclose them to her husband/bf/other
Doesn't talk behind your back
Loves you for who you are

Your list might look very different. This is my what I'm looking for in a friend...

Seriously, it's the toughest thing in the world to find a woman that fits the bill. I try...I go to mommy groups, I go to Meet-Up groups for culturally diverse families, I am in an adoption group, I have neighbors... I smile. I give them compliments. I say, "Ohhh we should totally get together." And then nothing. It never goes any further.

The bottom line, since we didn't move up north this past summer, I hate it here primarily because I have no friendships here. Sure, I know people...we hang occasionally. But, I walk away so exhausted from dealing with their "stuff" that there is NO ROI. And if I ever needed them, they wouldn't be there.

This is my test: If I broke down in my car in the middle of the night an hour away from the home (no cell phone, just a local pay phone) and I needed someone to come pick me up, would the person do it. Likely, they wouldn't. Or, they'd send their husband. Or, they'd be so late I would have already been abducted by crazies or mountain lions.

At some point I ask myself what I'm doing wrong. I'm certainly not perfect. Maybe I'm giving off a wacky vibe. Maybe I'm not approachable. I have been told that before at a networking class. I give that snobby business vibe off and totally don't mean too...unless dealing with men. lol

I'll stop whining now, but seriously, if you have any ideas or thoughts on how I can be better at friend collection, I would really appreciate it. It's lonely as hell here and it sucks.

You're probably wondering why I'm going into this topic...long story about a KF (kinda friend) who drives me insane to the point where I want to cry. She plays the one-up game better then anyone I know.

Give me some pointers ladies. I know you know how to make friends!

Happy Friday

2012-01-06T10:11:00.000-05:00

I'm so glad Friday is here. It has been an accelerated, crazy, busy week for sure!

What are you doing for fun this weekend?

Hope it's awesome!

This comment sucks

2012-01-05T19:45:00.001-05:00

I hate this comment...

"You look so put together."

Sure, some people might find that phrase a wonderfully glowing phrase, but I don't.

Why?

Sure, I had my first child, now 14, when I was 18. Sure, I have a story...graduated on my own from college in exactly four years with a four year old and no family support. Sure, I now wear suits and make presentations to executives. This is just me. I made important decisions to get to this point in my life.

But to say..."You look so put together" is an awful saying. That insinuates that there was a great possibility that I might NOT have succeeded. Sure, there are folks out there that make decisions that are detrimental to their success in life, but I made decisions to be successful. I don't "look" put together, I am "together"... and there was no other way for me. Blah...I wish people would not make those judgmentally-awful comments to me. Come on...

I'm sure this is just my pet peeve, but I can't stand sayings like this...

What To Do?

2012-01-04T19:12:00.000-05:00

I'm at the end of my bloggy road.

I've enjoyed blogging over the last 2+ years, and all the truly wonderful relationships I've built over this time, but now, I feel like I don't know what else to say.

I'm not struggling trying to conceive anymore, although every time I have sex I want to take a pregnancy test. And, we're not in the process of adopting again... I have crazy life experiences daily, but I haven't felt compelled to write about them. Perhaps I just figured that you're bored with the same-ol-same-ol and won't read or comment. I don't know.

Perhaps I just haven't felt inspired and I'm looking for meaning.

So, I'm wondering if this is the end of The Sassy Infertile Lady...

{cue the sad music}

I don't want to stop blogging, but maybe I just need a different name/look/feel and focus...

I don't know. Trying to figure out what to do next.

May the holiday season bring you...

2011-12-22T16:40:00.000-05:00

Each and every one of these...

Is it over yet?

2011-12-21T16:13:00.000-05:00

I'm ready to get the holidays behind us. It's no surprise that I'm not a holiday person. I think I probably wrote about it last year too. I just don't like the commercial Christmas holiday. {Cue the scrooge references and a visit from the ghost of Christmas past.}

I don't like the commercial holiday for many reasons, but one of my primary reasons is because I'm a people pleaser and during the holidays you can't possibly please EVERYONE no matter how hard you try. Take shopping for instance. I typically like to shop when it's for me, or Bryce, but when it's for other people - like my boss - I'd rather be doing 150 other things. When you're on a budget, like we are, while we pay $1,200 a month for child care, it's worse.

You might say, "But it's not about presents...it's about the spirit of giving and Christ and live nativity scenes." I say..."Come On! You know that if you don't get a present that measures up for your mother in law, you're on her shit list for the year (whether you know it or not)." Giving, and lots of giving, seems to go with the holidays whether you think it should or not.

And lets not get into the family game of who's house you will go to for Christmas. That can be such an awful experience, if you let it of course. It's the expectation. It's the travel. It's the family members who you really don't like, but you have to pretend to love. It's the lack of schedule for the kids. It's the fighting secretly and quietly with your husband. It's the dogs...hopefully you remembered them. It's the bows that fell off during the car ride and now you can't find them. It's the utter pain in the rear...

Yes, I wish I saw Christmas as beautiful, magical and covered with silver glitter...because that would make this post a lot better then it is (yes, I know it sucks)...but I just don't.

Instead, I will just pray that I can make it through with a wonderfully huge fake smile on my face while I have 15 people over for Christmas Eve dinner, host my very critical and particular mom at my house for four days and drive to my inlaws for an overnight stay in which my mom will be having Christmas dinner with them too. And oh, by the way, my mom can't stand my inlaws. Should be a beautiful day. I'd rather be sick with the flu.

Isn't it sad when you wish for the flu on Christmas?

Let's just get this party started!

PS - Please don't let this post make you de-follow...it's just a yearly occurance for me and then I pop back into my usual wonderful self...promise. :)

On The Move

2011-12-06T15:18:00.000-05:00

Bryce is ALWAYS on the move now. Just like all of the books and toddler tip sheets say, he does not like to sit longer than 10/15 minutes at a time. At a restaurant, we have to be in and out...no small talk people! We've left people still eating before...When he's done, he is SO done. That means it is go time!

His laugh is so funny. His smile with his beautiful teeth light up the room. He is also the best dressed little guy around. I'm just saying...I loved a well dressed kid! You're welcome D-man!

Christmas time is fun this year. Bryce loves the tree. He loves the music. He'll be sad when it's all gone. What a fun, exhausting stage we are in... one minute cries, the next minute unbridled laughter. He's like a crazy man! Ha...but ohhh so cute!

Love him. Sweet Bryce.

Our Visit

2011-12-05T09:53:00.002-05:00

I hope everyone is doing well. I wanted to share a story from this weekend…

As we drove, I heard D-man snoring from the passenger seat and Bryce breathing deeply from the back seat. After driving for three hours, both boys were still asleep. D-man woke up for the speeding ticket I got, which was great, but then he drifted back off. He had been at a sleep over the night before…and didn’t really sleep but 30 minutes. We were on our way to see Bryce’s birth-mom (S.) and were about 15 minutes away.

Just then I heard my phone go off…a text message no doubt. I checked it…”Do you mind if my mom meets Bryce?” Panic ran through my entire body. This is the birth-grandmother that kept saying, “Can’t you go and get your baby back?” “If you can’t take care of your baby, I will.” Here I was, just me, Bryce and D-man, going for a visit and it was quickly expanding. Just then I realized, I wasn’t picking her up at just some relative’s house as she said on the phone two days earlier, she had me picking her up for our lunch meeting at her parent’s house… I was feeling a little deceived. I felt bad for feeling lied to, but I did.

When we arrived at the little house on the edge of town, S. asked us to come in the house. To be honest, I was filled to the brim with anxiety. Was I dressed okay? Would Bryce cry? Would D-man present himself well? Would the birth-grandmother say anything awful to us? I didn’t know what to expect and I didn’t feel mentally prepared. As I got Bryce out of his car seat, he started to cry.

The meeting was awkward. Bryce would not leave my embrace as much as I tried to let others hold him. He screamed every time I tried to set him down. The room was old, dark and probably a bit scary for him. While I wished this was meeting filled with flowing emotion, it was only uncomfortable silence. “Look at him, he looks just like his cousin,” grandmother said. “You’ve spoiled him, we wouldn’t have done that,” she continued. I wanted to scream, YES, I’ve spoiled him! He deserves every bit of it! But I kept a smile on my face. I offered successes and milestones. That’s all I could do in that moment.

After what seemed like forever, probably an hour in the real world, I suggested that we go on to lunch. S. agreed and off we went; grandmother stayed behind. Lunch was good. Bryce ate his quesadilla and flirted with the servers. Everyone sitting next to us admired him. S. sat so quietly. I tried hard to engage her in conversation. Spurts of conversation erupted here and there, but nothing more than small talk. After lunch, she asked if we could go to the park for a bit. Of course I agreed and off we drove to play at a local playground. Bryce ran around, picking up leaves and sticks. At first S. stood away, but then she walked around with him. D-man and I stayed behind watching from afar encouraging S. to spend some quality time with Bryce.

S. has had awful things happen lately – heart attack, losing house, car troubles, family troubles. But in my heart of hearts I know she feels relieved that Bryce isn’t going through this difficult time too. He’s happy, smart and bouncing around like the amazing (yes spoiled) little boy that he is.

This was a difficult visit. I’m so thankful for an open relationship and I’m more than willing to have a million more visits for Bryce, so that he can have a very important connection to the mother who gave birth to him. But, for me, I have to admit that it is hard. To only capitalize on the positive would be deceiving. And leaving, with Bryce in my car seat, and her waving from the corner, broke my heart a million times over…more than anyone will ever know. I can only hope she feels peace…

It was a tough weekend. My heart is still heavy with gratitude and sadness.

So Much Gratitude

2011-11-23T09:12:00.001-05:00

-> I'm so grateful for my beautiful family. I'm especially thankful for the beautiful, strong and courageous momma that allowed us to raise the most amazing gift in the world - Bryce.

-> I'm grateful for a husband that always tells me how much he loves me and wants to be with me. He's so loving, funny and forgiving. I'm truly grateful for him. I give him a run for his money sometimes...

-> I'm amazingly thankful for a loving teenage son who is funny, caring of others, strong and smart. Every time I meet one of his friends, I realize just how thankful I am. Ha! He is my heart through and through.

-> I'm thankful for my Mom...she is always there. We have our good and bad days, but in the end, we have each other. That's a gift.

-> I'm thankful for learning how to play Call of Duty. D-man even bought me a pink remote for my birthday. It's the best stress reliever in the world. Sure, I could be running, exercising or doing step, but in 10 minutes, I can walk away from the stress of work and join the family refreshed.

-> I'm grateful for all of you. Thanks for continuing to follow my crazy life, even when I'm not posting much. Your comments keep me going and are always so appreciated.

Have a happy turkey day filled with grateful and thankful moments.

Cheers!

Attitude is Everything

2011-11-15T16:45:00.000-05:00

OH MY GOSH - I NEED MY MOJO BACK!!!
What the heck do I do...

I totally need an attitude adjustment. I'm negative. Glass is half empty. Life is awful. I really want to be in a better place, but it keeps escaping me. I tried some new meds...and they don't make a hill of beans with me. So, perhaps something else? I hate the physician roller coaster. Ever since the IF hell I experienced, I'm so wary of physicians and doctors...I don't trust them any more.

Blah...where is my mojo!?!

Birthday kind of sucked too.

Oh well...no happy, wonderful news here. Just trying to find my mojo.

BTW - did you see this picture? WHAT THE HELL? What do you think of the dress? I hate to be catty, folks, but seriously??? haha...

And here is the ultimate catty comment today...
At least she can get pregnant.

Promise to be nicer and much more lovely at another time!

What's up?

2011-11-08T16:09:00.001-05:00

What's up, lovelies!

So, this week is my birthday week. I'll be 32 on Saturday. I always dreamed of being in my 30's. I thought I'd be so much more confident, put together and successful. Sadly, I don't know if I'm that much better off now then I was five years ago. But, here I am. Almost 32.

The past year has been a roller coaster of joyous fun moments combined with no sleep. I think I've aged more in the last year then ever before. No sleep gives you wrinkles, dark circles under your eyes and an overall disheveled look. I'm totally still sporting that look and Bryce is 14 months.

A couple thoughts to share.
First, I LOVED this smart blog post by a fellow (awesome) blogger, Melissa. Check it out. I've been concerned about Bryce tearing down the ornaments this year from the Christmas tree. A great solution would be a wonderful display of fun, colorful felt ornaments. I love this idea. Take a look!

Second, I experienced my first really weird OH-MY-GOD-SHE'S-FLIRTING-WITH-MY-TEENAGER moment. D-man and I had date night together after one of his football games and the hostess with the mostess was totally all over him. "Oh my gosh, you look so big and strong," she said. Then, she finally said, "What high school do you go to?" I interrupted the conversation quickly and said, "He doesn't go to high school, he's in eighth grade." D-man kicked me under the table. She excused herself quickly. I wanted to yell out after her, "YES, that's right missy...you were hitting on a middle schooler!!!" But, I didn't. D-man was pretty embarrassed and I picked on him the rest of the night about it. You gotta live up these moments, ya know?

Third, we're having a hard time getting Bryce to eat anything that isn't a Carb. He loves bread, crackers of all shapes and sizes, muffins, pancakes, goldfish, etc., but he refuses to eat any veggies or fruits because of their consistency. Plus, he wants to feed himself now with a spoon and he can't get ANYTHING to his mouth. It's really a challenge. Does anyone have any tips to share? Help! I firmly believe Bryce is smarter then me...

Fourth, I'm really proud of myself. Recognizing that I don't have many friends that really understand our diverse family situation, I reached out to a meet up group of interracial families. It's a huge group that is VERY active in our area. I went to my first event on Saturday night. It was a girls' night thanksgiving dinner at someones house. Had a blast with people that actually got me - got my family and stories - had crazy mother in laws and were fun, happy people. I loved it. Check meetup.com in your area for any groups like this. You never know.
So, how are you doing? Do tell!

November is here!

2011-11-01T16:33:00.000-04:00

It's November!
Happy National Adoption Month!

Countdown to National Adoption Day begins... 18 days!

And my birthday... in 11 days! (Nov. 12...in case you wanted to know..hehe)

Here are a couple photos from our soggy, rainy - ultimately indoor - Halloween with family and our trip to the pumpkin patch on Sunday!

Bye-bye, folks! Hope you had a great holiday!

What's the plan?

2011-10-28T09:27:00.001-04:00

What are you doing for Halloween? Do you hand out candy? Do you walk around a neighborhood with a neighbor or a friend? Any plans?

D-man and hubs are planning on scaring people. Nice. Let's hope for no arrests.

We'll likely have a fire pit ablaze with S'mores and give candy out to the little ones as they walk by. Last year we had more than 150 kids. It's going to be chilly here, so at least Bryce will be bundled up in his Tiger get up. He's just a cutie. He'll love running all around. Perhaps, if we can get him to stay up until past 9, he'll even sleep through the night. We shall see!

We'll buy yummy chocolate this weekend to give out on Monday. No smarties, dots, candy corn, pez or licorice at our house. It's because I love chocolate. And, even though we are broke paying for child care, I don't want to appear so broke on Halloween. Or lazy...you know, the crap candy is always the last candy standing at the stores before Halloween. I won't be that person THIS year. Perhaps other years, but not THIS year. I'm just saying. It's a facade. Big Brand Chocolate, YUM!

Happy fall this weekend. Enjoy the festivities and delicious foods all around!

When Your Mind Goes Crazy

2011-10-27T16:57:00.000-04:00

**Sensored post - Rated R**

My mental mind gibberish, is pretty halarious (I think so at least). I almost wish people could hear what I'm thinking. Maybe select people who have a witty, sarcastic mind like me would find my crazy banter pretty funny. But, maybe not. It's probably good that no one can hear my thoughts. I'd be hated and fed to wolves...or something horrific like that.

Case in point...

From today, here are a couple moments of halarity...

Co-worker: "So, have you tried Jenny Craig, you really should, I have and it works great."
My Mind Said: You're a bitch and I hate you. Even if I have wobbly bits and fat parts, that's none of your stupid business. Plus, I hate your shoes. And I say no to Jenny. Yes to a hamburger for lunch.
I really said: "Ohh no, but what a great idea. Thanks so much for sharing. Smile, wink. I love your shoes by the way."

A woman: "So, I've been trying to get in touch with so and so and I just can't get her via e-mail. I've e-mailed her 4 times. I wonder what's up with her."
My Mind Said: There is this thing called a phone and it works great. Give her a call and connect with her there. Maybe you'll get your answer sooner than later! Duh.
I really said: "Sorry, I'm sure she's busy. Try calling her and see if you can set up a time to meet that way. Smile, wink."

Another Co-Worker: "We're starting this walking group during lunch and it's great. I hope you can join us. The boss wants everyone to participate."
My Mind Said: No. Actually, HELL no. You people are bat shit crazy. I can't spend any more freakin time with you. I'm going to lunch now.
I really said: "That sounds like such a great idea, but I'm not sure if I'll be able to participate. I'm pretty busy and try to grab time whenever I can for business meetings. Thanks so much for sharing that idea with me though. Have fun!"

I could go on and on...these moments happen to me all the time. Or, if I'm in a meeting, and someone serves up a great line for a "That's what she said" joke or a "that's what he said," I have to hold myself back from busting out laughing. I think it's from growing up with brothers...

Case in point...at a meeting this week...

"We erected this monstrousity in just two years." In reference to a local building just built. BTW, no one should ever use the word erected in conversation. EVER. THAT'S WHAT HE SAID!!!

"I can't get it up." A guy said this in reference to the projector screen at the meeting... THAT'S WHAT HE SAID!!! Yes, sadly, I probably giggled.

So...if all of this says anything about me, I guess it's this. I'm a PR person. I smooth everything over to make it smell and look pretty. But, inside, the REAL me - the critical, judgemental, sarcastic, funny me, is just cracking up. Perhaps I'm a bit fake then? I'm okay with that. I just want everyone to be happy. Plus, it gives me something to laugh about later. Great entertainment, that's for sure.

Does your mind go wild when you're having conversations with strangers or coworkers or others? Do you sometimes have to hold yourself back? Any experiences to share? I just think about all the things people have said throughout my adoption/infertility journey and cringe. My inner sarcasim has def. reared its ugly head over the last three years - A LOT!

Happy Friday!

GRRRRR...

2011-10-25T13:08:00.000-04:00

Or Meow...

Isn't he a cutie? I just love his costume! These photos were taken at a school fall festival on Friday. Lots of fun!

I'm so sorry that I haven't been writing much. There has been a lot to say, but I've been afraid that I've lost much of my reading audience due to my neglectful blogging ways. If you're still out there, let me know!

Should I stay or should I go? What do you think?

What are you doing for Halloween? Any fun shenanigans going on?

I'm back!

2011-10-14T14:05:00.001-04:00

Happy Friday everyone! Hope you're having a delightful day in preparation for the weekend. Don't you just love this time of the year? I sure do.

I'm back from my trip to Nova Scotia. It was wonderfully fantastic and beautiful. It was tough to get back on the plane in Boston to come home. "Noooooo, don't make me leave!!!" Seriously.

Here are a couple photos - I took more than 300!


A Whale Tale! We went whale watching and had an incredible time. Two whales stayed with us the entire day in the Bay of Fundy. They were SO close to us...you could even hear them talking to each other. Beautiful!

Peggy's Cove Harbor - Population 37

Beautiful lighthouse in Louisbourg, NS

Peggy's Cove Lighthouse - popular with tourists!

Another beautiful lighthouse!

Some tourist!

If you want to see more photos, e-mail me! I'll send you a link to my Facebook page.

I've been awful at writing on here. I'm been so unhappy with work, that I haven't wanted to write something negative each and every day...so I haven't been writing much at all. A couple wonderful things have happened:

Bryce is a WALKER!!! He is walking all around and totally looks like a drunken sailor. So cute! He even tries to run at times...that doesn't usually go too well. He's also eating everything he can get his hands on. Very good eater. He's super short though, so everyone asks if he's 10 months old...No...he's 13 months. Thanks.
D-man is undefeated at football. Coach has him playing offensive and defensive line. He's really great out there and I couldn't be more proud. He's a great kid.
Bryce moved up to his new room officially at day care. He's doing well but he is very selective about who he likes there. When he doesn't like someone, he lets them know! haha

That's all for today...hope to post more next week.

Enjoy!

2011-09-30T15:10:00.000-04:00

Nova Scotia...

Here we come!

I'll be gone for 8 days. I'll post pictures when I return.

Just mom and I...no teenager, baby, work, husband...just mom and I celebrating her new retirement! Looking forward to the laughs!

What If???

2011-09-27T13:13:00.001-04:00

I'm 'borrowing' a post from a few other bloggers. My job woes have recently left me uninspired and writer's block has spread its wings. I mean, after all, I know you totally get sick of my compalining... So, for your sanity, I decided to play fill in the blanks...

If I were to get pregnant again I would be scared to death of having another ectopic in my remaining tube. I would def. think the worst.
If I could have any job in the world I would be an investigative reporter or spy.
If I had a day to myself I would sleep in, paint my toes, pluck my eyebrows (because I seem to never have time to do this stuff), go out shopping, grab lunch with a friend and have a cocktail at 5.
If I could get married all over again I would totally elope. Actually, I love my husband, but if our relationship didn't work out, I would never marry again.
If I could live anywhere in the US I would live in a beautiful loft apartment in Boston.
If I could have any talent in the world it would be long distance running or a wonderful sport like tennis. Then I would be skinny.
If you met me in real life you would laugh at my jokes. I'm a pretty funny lady. And, I love to make people laugh!
If I could go back to school and get a different degree it would be in political science with a focus on intelligence work.
If money were not an object we would have a beautifully diverse HUGE family. Unfortunately, every infertility treatment is expensive and adoption is crazy expensive.
If I could meet one celebrity it would be Vince Vaughn. I think he would be a pretty funny guy.
If I could only shop at one store for the rest of my life it'd be Target for me, too!
If we get another pet I would want a Saint Bernard. Love them!
If I could go on a trip, RIGHT NOW, I'd want to go to Amsterdam. My favorite place in the world.
If I had to chose between a house cleaner and a personal chef, I'd pick the house cleaner. I hate cleaning the house, I hate dog hair and I dislike folding clothes and dusting. I would totally love a house cleaner!
If I had the option of plastic surgery I'd get a chin tuck and gastric bypass surgery.

Oh, by the way, Bryce started walking!!! Video to come soon!

Blah

2011-09-23T08:23:00.002-04:00

Work has been awful...

I've got to find a plan B...

Please wish me luck. I could totally use the support.

The "So What?" Lesson

2011-09-20T15:54:00.006-04:00

Did you have a chance to read this blog post today? If you haven’t, take a minute to read. It has a great moral of the story. While the topic is gardening, it applies to so much more. I might not garden all that much, but I can apply this lesson to my life. In lots of places, actually.

I thought it would be great to take this on as my own personal Mantra this fall. Late for the football game? So what! Being there for the end when D-man comes off the field is what matters most! Bryce isn’t walking yet? So what! He’ll walk soon enough and then we’ll be exhausted from chasing him everywhere! D-man didn’t get an A in math. SOOOOO WHAT! A B is just as impressive in my book. People are rude at work today. SOOOO What! Not my problem, that’s their problem. I can only control my attitude!

And yes, Bryce is moving up to an older room at day care where he will be a bit out of his league. But, really, Louise, SO WHAT? He will catch on and he'll do great. We won't even remember this moment down the road. Soooo what?!?!

The author of the blog post poses this question at the end…

“Where can you apply the "So What?" lesson in your life? What is it that you won't start because you are worried it might not work?”

My answer.

Everywhere.

I’m such an intense person. Sure, I’m jovial and pretty hilarious from time to time, but when it comes down to things I care about – work, family, friends – I’m fiercely intense. I realize that I’ve got to let that go a bit. It makes me sick (yes and tired).

Sure, hubs and D-man might be playing video games when I get home from work and the house will likely be a mess today, but SO WHAT…maybe I’ll join them, grab a controller and go kill some zombies too.

Family bonding at its finest!

How can you apply this lesson to your life?

The Child Care Push

2011-09-15T10:38:00.000-04:00

To me, child care facilities are big and clunky machines. Parents and children move through the system, with the support of caring teachers, they go from one place to the next until they're off to school. Some parents probably like the quick move from classroom to classroom. Others might not.

Me, personally...I am having a tough time with it. I don't think all children are ready at the same time. I'm having serious doubts about Bryce's readiness to be moved to the next room...

We started out at an in-home center. While Bryce was cared for, he wasn't provided the level of care we wanted. So, we moved him to this much bigger child care facility. He's been in this room, the 6 months to one year room, since he's been there. He's made a lot of headway, but he's not walking and still has a difficult time chewing some foods. He keeps it in his mouth like gum...forever. Also, he needs two naps. When I say he NEEDS two naps, I mean it.

This is a problem though...

In order to go to the next room, he must be completely using the sippy cup (we're almost there during the day), eating the lunch they provide (which is sometimes tough for children this age to eat) and must only take one nap. Plus, walkers are appreciated, but not required.

They told me that they'd like to start moving him over to the new room next Thursday. And, I'm pretty worried about this change.

Am I being an over-protective parent? Possibly. Should I be fine with him going and trying it out? Probably. Am I still worried and concerned that he: 1) won't get enough sleep, 2) won't get enough nutrients and 3) not get enough attention because he's not walking....YES!

In my gut, I just don't like how this feels...rushed, pushed, moved, shoved etc.

I've talked with the daycare about it, and they are understandable, but they are also driven to move him on...

So, wish us luck. This is happening.

And boy, do I not want to have to change day cares again. For our sake and for Bryce's!

Birthday Celebration in Photos

2011-09-12T19:57:00.000-04:00

Introducing, Bryce's Big Birthday Bash!

Birthday Celebration Comes to a Close

2011-09-12T15:24:00.002-04:00

Boy, are we a tired little family! So much work, activity, creativity, $$$, baking...my brain is closed for business today (even though I'm at work).

Stay tuned for photos! The festivities were wonderful!

General Updates

2011-09-08T12:41:00.004-04:00

Bryce's birthday has been a week-long celebration and it's ending in a big party on Saturday. It wasn't suppose to be this big. After my huge argument with my mother-in-law, I wanted to cancel it all together. Hubs and I fought like cats and dogs about it and finally we decided to just have it. I sent out 25 invitations...I was thinking...oh, not many people will come. Boy was I wrong.

What have I created...

More than 50 have RSVPed. Yikes!

We'll have babies, toddlers, kids of all ages, moms, dads and grandparents...and I'm so glad that a woman from the adoption agency is coming, Bryce's respite care worker and the social worker that connected Bryce's birthmom to us. It will really be special! I'm also setting up a dessert table, since it's from 2-4:30'ish...and it's at a great local park. Whoopie pies, cake pops, cup cakes, gummy bears, chocolate chips, sugar cookies and more! I will def. take photos...I just hope it comes together and looks good. No pressure at all!

Please wish me luck!

In other updates, I've gone back on depression meds. I haven't been on them since my infertility testing/drug/trying days, but it was pretty clear that they were much needed. I've been feeling better. I hate being on meds...especially long term. But, quality of life was an issue. So, I pulled my big girl pants on and went back on a very low dose. So far, so good. :)

I had an interview today with a recruiter for a local gig. Went well. Not sure if there is much potential, but we shall see. Stay tuned.

I'm excited to share that I'm planning a wonderful trip up to Nova.Scotia for my mother...we're going in October. Just the two of us - Thelma and Louise style (minus the robbery or going over the cliff). We're staying at B&B's and will be gone for a week. Sorry hubs, you're on total Bryce detail for 7 days! Muhahahaa...(evil laugh)

That's it in my corner, how are you doing? What's new in your world? Any updates to share?

I'll leave you with a picture of Bryce's new truck my mom splurged on...he loves it. Please note, this is not a picture of Bryce...Bryce is way cuter!

I love cupcakes

2011-09-02T14:45:00.000-04:00

Guess who LOVES cupcakes?!?!

BRYCE!

Check out the photos from our small little birthday shin-dig last night. The big party is on Sept. 10.

All gone! Yum!

Happy Birthday Baby Bryce!!!

2011-09-01T09:29:00.001-04:00

Join me in a virtual song of Happy Birthday to the sweet, adorable and very cool - Baby Bryce!

And please, please forgive the annoying sound of my voice as I sing a really bad version of the birthday song. I have this annoying high pitch baby voice when talking with Bryce sometimes and when you mix it with song...you probably see this picture emerge - dogs bark!

But, Bryce loves it!

Enjoy!!!

Happy Birthday Baby Bryce!!! We love you so much!

Today Last Year

2011-08-31T08:39:00.000-04:00

This morning I revisited my post from Aug. 31, 2010...

Click here to read it!

I was so excited. I was so happy. I was so scared. I had just received the CALL at 9:30 on the Aug. 30 and you, my faithful blog readers, were the first to know!

I also took a minute to read my posts from a week before we got the call. I was so desperate for any bit of information from the adoption agency. I was feeling lost. I was feeling like "it" would never happen. Depressed beyond belief, I was truly struggling.

I know that so many of you are feeling tired of waiting. Every morning, noon and night all that you can think of is your little star in the sky and when you might finally put your eyes on him or her. It's such an emotional drain...adoption is hard, hard work and it's not for the weak of heart.

I know that I can't take the wait from you. I can't really tell you anything that will make the pain of waiting better. But, I can maybe give you hope. Out of the blue we got our call. You really never know.

Cheers to a year of life with Bryce! It has been an adventure!

Tomorrow we will celebrate his big first birthday with cupcakes.

Car Crash

2011-08-29T14:40:00.001-04:00

Check out our recent cooking disaster at Curry & Clam Chowder!

http://currychowder.blogspot.com/2011/08/car-crash.html

It's okay to laugh, we sure did!

Please comment with any suggestions for improvement!

How is everyone?

2011-08-29T09:50:00.000-04:00

This weekend on the East Coast was a wet and windy mess. There is a LOT of damage here in NC as well as up the coastline. Even NY, Conn. and Vermont are devastated by a lot of flooding. Especially Vermont...how sad that some of the famous covered bridges are now gone.

I've heard a lot of buzz from some people that the media hyped up the storm too much. There were too many required evacuations by public leaders. Meteorologists went too far... I don't know about you, but I'd rather be safe then sorry. After seeing first hand the destruction left by Katrina, Rita and many other storms while I worked with a disaster response organization, I don't think these storms, regardless of their strength, are anything to play around with. Sure, it's an inconvenience...but...I def. see the flip side.

What do you think?

How did you fare?

We had tree limbs down and a messy yard from all of the leaves, wind and rain. Luckily, no flooding!

Hope everyone made it through the weekend unscathed!

Pregnancy All Around

2011-08-26T11:41:00.000-04:00

I'm learning of a lot of pregnancies lately. I'm happy for all of the announcements, but boy do I feel that darn pang of jealousy. I feel it, even though there is no way on this earth I could handle two babies in diapers right now. NO WAY. I feel it, even though I'm very happy for them. The nature of infertility for me...I just feel it from time to time.

And then I read on Face.book this morning, "God is so good to us. He's good to us because we are good to him."

Really?

I'm not even going to comment on this. I guess I'm not good enough to "him." Haves vs. have nots. That never makes anyone feel good.

The two that have just announced their fertility success were couples that told hubs and I...ohh if it doesn't work out for us, we'll just adopt like you guys. Can you send us the adoption agency info? I didn't. I knew they weren't serious about it. Do your own research if you're that serious. I know...catty...sorry.

Regardless of how overwhelmed we are with Bryce or how busy life gets, I'll always think, "What if?" What would have that baby looked like...

We'll never know.

Bryce Via iPhone

2011-08-25T15:58:00.000-04:00

Here are some quick photos of Bryce via my iPhone...

CAN YOU BELIEVE HE TURNS 1 NEXT THURSDAY??? WHOO HOO!

Man, this kid LOVES the camera!!!

Tacky Tuesday

2011-08-23T10:05:00.001-04:00

For me, by day, professionalism is important. It's my brand. It's who I am in the workplace. It helps me build my credibility and trust. It also helps give me the confidence I need to conquer the world. Muhahaha...

I'm lucky in that I learned about professionalism early on in life. My dad and mom always instilled this important characteristic in me as well as my brothers. My grandparents did as well. They were always dressed nice and neat regardless of what they were doing.

I'll be honest here and say that after work I promptly change into pajama pants or jeans and a T-shirt or tank top...comfy is comfy, ya know?

Anyway, I felt it important to share an experience I had yesterday for a great tacky Tuesday post.

I lead the internship program where I work and I had an interview with someone whose materials looked great. Great writer, good story teller and had some college experience. On paper, she was a great fit.

Then I met her.

Guess what she was wearing for the interview?

My jaw dropped. I think I stumbled over my hello. My brain was quickly thinking, "Do I ask her to leave?" "Do I go ahead with the interview?" This was clearly going to be a waste of my time.

She had on jeans. tiny tank top. chewing gum. flip flops.

I was embarrassed for her.

We went ahead with the interview, but it went down hill fast.

I said, "So, have you read the job description?"

Her: "No, not really. I read what the professor sent out and thought it would be great."

REALLY? Who says that in a job interview? Lie to me if you have to. Don't ever, ever, ever say that. And stop wasting my time already.

It was a joke. Nice enough kid, no common sense...obviously, no one taught her how to 1) dress work place appropriate; 2) that you don't chew gum; 3) shake my hand, don't give me your hand like you want me to kiss it; 4) read the job description before you come; 5) don't waste my time.

It upset me a bit. I worked hard to be where I am today and when I see a kid pissing away their chances, it disappoints me.

I've taught D-man the importance of dressing nice, appropriate behavior and preparation. I will do the same with Bryce.

Even when D-man is playing football, I say to him. "There are African American men that made it possible for you to go out on that football field and play the sport you love most...don't take that lightly, you go out there and play with all of your heart and show the respect needed to the game and to the people that made it possible for you to play the game."

I believe the same goes for the workplace...especially for women.

I don't take that lightly.

Birthmother Thoughts

2011-08-22T13:53:00.000-04:00

I'm thinking of Bryce's birthmom today. His big first birthday is quickly approaching and I'm not sure how I should communicate with his birthmom. I'd like to recognize her with a card. Does that sound appropriate? Should I do more?

For the last four months, she has fallen off the grid. I haven't heard from her at all. I've sent photos and a letter or two but haven't had any responses. I know she needs her time...but I miss communicating with her.

Any thoughts or ideas to share?

Getting Back to Normal

2011-08-18T08:29:00.002-04:00

Confirmed Diagnosis

2011-08-16T12:22:00.001-04:00

Bryce has Salmonella.

I can honestly say without a doubt that the last two weeks have been some of the most challenging as a parent, as a mom and as a wife.

If you don't know what Salmonella is, here is a brief description from Kidshealth.org:

A salmonella infection is a foodborne illness caused by the salmonella bacteria carried by some animals, which can be transmitted from kitchen surfaces and can be in water, soil, animal feces, raw meats, and eggs. Salmonella infections typically affect the intestines, causing vomiting, fever, and other symptoms that usually resolve without medical treatment.

A salmonella infection generally causes nausea, vomiting, abdominal cramps, diarrhea (sometimes bloody), fever, and headache. Because many different kinds of illnesses can cause these symptoms, most doctors will take a stool sample to make an accurate diagnosis.

Symptoms of most salmonella infections usually appear within 3 days of contamination and typically go away without medical treatment.

Salmonella for an infant is horrible as you can see from the text above. It has been an enormous challenge to manage.

Bryce isn't alone, from what I've read. Children, especially infants, are the most likely candidates to get sick from it. About 50,000 cases of salmonella infection are reported in the United States each year and about one third of those are in kids 4 years old or younger. We will be one of the 50,000 reported this year...because it's reportable. I'm expecting a call from the Health Department any day now.

Bryce has been out of day care for 2 weeks. It has been SO hard on both hubs and I as well as the obvious - Bryce. Luckily, my mom was able to come and help, but she heads back home today to go back to school (she teaches). Tomorrow, we are going to try to take Bryce back to day care...we hope it goes okay. He hasn't been himself...and he's still not 100 percent. But, for the working, who don't have any other option for child care, this has to be the case. We've discussed with the director of his facility and they are prepared. Did you know that Salmonella can stick with a child for up to 4 months? Yep...

How did he get it? We have no idea. As many of you with babies that crawl know, very often they crawl around and then quickly stick their hands in their mouths. Plus, we were in Canada during the time he probably picked it up...so I've grilled my mom and she doesn't know either. The pediatrician has said that many people will never really know where their child picked it up. Clearly, we are clueless.

But, I feel terrible as a mom. How could I let this happen? The looks I get from other moms are scary. Maybe I'm just overly sensitive. Who knows.

Hopefully we've turned a corner and Bryce truly begins to regain his weight, regain his appetite, regain his smile and regain his sleep schedule. Poor D-man...he's doing anything to get attention right now. It's just not a good situation.

So...any words of encouragement you can offer...I would sincerely appreciate it. It's been a lonely road these last two weeks and I've missed you all...

For more on Salmonella, click here.

This and That

2011-08-11T09:39:00.000-04:00

Thanks for those who commented on my last post. I appreciate the support. I'm really having a difficult time figuring out what to do. On top of that, Bryce has come down with a major GI infection. The pediatrician thinks it's Salmonella poisoning but he can't go back to school until next week. We'll get results back from the tests in 4-5 days. Thank God my awesome mom came back up to help because the hubs is in Miami...hopefully this will pass (no pun intended) ASAP!

In other updates, take a minute to look at my food journal from my trip to Canada. This was the best part of the trip - taking pictures of yummy food.

http://currychowder.blogspot.com/2011/08/collingwood-food-journal.html

If you feel inclined, please post a comment! Thanks for the support, ladies!

I'm back...

2011-08-09T11:09:00.003-04:00

and NOT better then ever.

As you might recall from my previous post, I headed to Canada for a funeral last week. We planned to spend time with the in-laws at their beautiful second home on an incredible lake in Canada. Any other person in the world would jump for joy at the thought of going to this splendid place and partaking in the delightful swimming options and eateries. Any other person but me...

Sure, I was looking forward to the swimming part. I was not looking forward to the shacking up with the in-law part. At. All. Many of you have wonderful relationships with your in-laws and that is great. It's this beautiful relationship and experience that you adore. A second family you might say. Your mother-in-law is a wonderful shopping companion. Ohhh...I wish that was the case, but it's not.

And if someone EVER says to you that the old adage that when you marry your husband you marry his family is NOT true...slap them. That's a lie. You marry your husband AND the entire clan in most cases.Fact.

What on earth happened? Are you thinking that? Me too.

The details go something like this: an epic argument of tremendous proportions with my mother-in-law.

There is one thing about her that is a fact. If she feels bad, she wants YOU to feel bad. She will do whatever it takes to put the knife in your back and twist. And she did just that with me...and I reacted...and she reacted...and before we knew it, we had a full argument with raised voices and tears on our hands. Not pretty.

And my wonderful husband did what most wonderful husbands do (being sarcastic)...nothing. He didn't know what to say or do. So he didn't...

Car ride home...16 hours long...not fun. The word divorce was mentioned in anger.

I'm home and I'm wondering if I'll ever talk to her again. Unfortunately, my hands are tied on Bryce's birthday party, they've already received an invite.

For me, there is no coming back from this experience with her. I don't want to be around her. I don't want to talk to her for a very long time. She hit below the belt and it really upset me. A good and wholesome godly woman would forgive. I don't know if I'm that person.

So, if you have any stories of coming back from a horrible situation like this, please share and inspire me. I'm not a mean person and I don't want to hold this over her forever...but I don't think I'm ready to let it go. Inspire me to be a better person, please!

The only positive note from the trip is that hubs and I snuck out of the house on more than one occasion and toured around, went swimming in a pristine lake and ate some great food. The other positive note is that the kids were not there. Thank god for that one.

Ski mountain and ski village


View from the top of the ski mountain...the mountain slopes down to the lake

Hubs at the waters edge

Who is this crazy lady swimming? The water temperature, even in Aug., was in the 60's.

Beautiful coastline

Oh Canada...

2011-08-02T09:18:00.003-04:00

Headed to Canada today after work. I'm driving...because I must be in control of something! Totally talked the hubs into this...

Hub's grandfather passed away on Friday and the funeral is this Friday in Northern Canada. It's a 16 hour trip. By trip, I mean a car trip. In a car for 16 hours. With hubs.

On days like today I really wish we were wealthy and could afford plane tickets and a car rental. Instead, us schmucks will drive.

I sincerely wish I had fond memories of his grandfather, but unfortunately, when I met him, he was in the advanced stages of Alzheimer's Disease. What a horrible, devastating disease. Instead of sadness though, the family is really looking at this as a celebration of his life and a chance for everyone to get together. He was 83.

Luckily, my mom, who is the bestest mom in the entire world, will come and take care of the boys. No screaming baby or waking up in the middle of the night - PLUS. And we'll be staying at the in-law's second home on a lake - PLUS x2.

I plan to keep a food journal (because there are awesome foodie places in the town we'll be staying) and I plan to post all of the delicious cuisine from our trip on my new food blog at www.currychowder.blogspot.com. Be sure to check it out!

Wish us luck, no speeding tickets and a seamless boarder stop!

Be back next week!

11 Months

2011-08-01T14:50:00.000-04:00

Holy Cow! Time flies when you're sleep deprived and child proofing!

Today, Bryce is one month away from his big ONE day! Can you believe he is going to be ONE YEAR OLD on Sept. 1? I can't. Wow.

He is doing something new every day.

He loves:

To scream really loud in public because he thinks it's funny.

Mashed potatoes and winter squash mashed and smashed all together
Chinese rice with a tad of soy sauce

Puffs

Yogurt (and lots of it)

Still two bottles per night (CRAZY!)

Crawling, using the dogs to pull up and cruising around our sectional couches

Music

To smile and laugh out loud
Hubs & D-man - he adores them both!

Being warm at night in footie pj's

Flash on a camera

Our iphones

He dislikes:

Strange people holding him; or new people watching him (separation anxiety)

To wait for food (what man does, right?)

Any delay in getting him in the mornings when he's crying; he becomes hysterical
Carrots

Being sequestered to a small area to play; he wants run of the house

Play pen, unless he can see us

Car rides over 15 minutes long...not a happy camper

Can you believe he use to look like this? I can't!

If you read my blog...

2011-07-29T16:06:00.001-04:00

...then please PLEASSEEEEE jump over to a new blog that I'm currently writing for, titled:

"Curry & Clam Chowder"

A dear friend invited me to participate with her on this new foodie adventure. She's American/Malaysian and I'm a New Englander at heart. Together, we created the name! Please click "follow" and comment often. We could really use the support!

Happy weekend everyone!

http://currychowder.blogspot.com/

Invitations Ordered!

2011-07-29T08:53:00.000-04:00

Competition

2011-07-28T17:05:00.000-04:00

I’m a competitive person. Are you?

In middle school, I hated the girl that tried out for the role of Bella in our school musical Beauty.and.the.Beast. She won. I was Ms. Potts. (You better not be laughing. I totally channeled Angela Lansberry.) We both tried out for the role of Ariel in the following year’s school musical of The.Little.Mermaid. We both got the part. The teacher decided to go with a double showing. (NOOOO...I didn't pay the teacher off.) Now, many years later, we’re Facebook friends. She's cool I guess. My kids are cuter…(just kidding...)

I grew up with boys. When you grow up with boys, you learn to throw down when needed. You learn to run faster so that they don’t try the new wrestling moves on you. You learn to get in line at dinner first or the food disappears. My brother once dared me and offered me money not to ask to go to the bathroom on a 10 hour trip to Canada. He was in a rush to get there. I didn’t ask once. I got $20. It was a game I knew I’d win.

Fast forward some years and I’m just as competitive now as I was before, especially at work. I do think I’m nicer about it now. My husband is shaking his head no…

Sometimes competition is good. I yell my head off at D-man’s football games. After all, I want them to win! I buy nice clothes for both my kids. After all, I want them to look and feel good. In the board room, it spurs good and even better ideas.

The one place my competitive spirit is ohhhh not so good? When I’m competing with my husband. Why? Cause no one wins.

Exhibit A

Honey, I got Bryce down at 8:30 last night. Why is it 10 and he’s still up? (Secretly I’m thinking - I OBVIOUSLY do a better job at this.)

Exhibit B

Oh, he’s wearing that? (Secretly I’m thinking – I must run upstairs right away and change him because he will OBVIOUSLY look better if I dress him.)

Exhibit C

Do we really need to go this slow for a meeting that we’re running late for? (I’m secretly thinking – I would already be at the meeting because I’m punctual and always on time.)

No, I’m totally not perfect. Actually…I screw up on something every single day. But, when it comes to my husband, I always feel like I need to one up him or do one better. You can drink a beer? I’ll drink two! You can get up with Bryce two times? I’ll get up with him at 4 a.m. and complain about it louder. It’s so WHACK.

I don’t really know how to face this realism, but I do think it’s important to talk about. My husband has even recently mentioned it. But, he confessed, he’s competitive too… WHO WINS? No one!

We end up frustrated and filled with anxiety, grabbing the blankets and turning our back to each other as we try to force ourselves to sleep without talking or touching each other.

Seriously…this happens!

How do you deal with it? I guess it boils down to how you’re matched as a couple. Are you type A? Are you competitive? How do you tackle this? Or, are you like me, and know it happens and have no idea how to tackle it?

A Sad WTF Wednesday

2011-07-27T11:31:00.000-04:00

This is a sad Wednesday for a friend of mine.

I brought over baby clothes. She loved the hoodie with the moose on it.

We painted a baby room together. It was painted a beautiful blue.

We talked about the future. They had been waiting for 2 years to adopt...

My friend and her husband were 23 days away from bringing their sweet little boy home and they got the dreaded call that none of us want to receive...

Birth mom decided to parent.

And while I understand the decision to parent and I think it's an important decision to be made and respected, especially if the birth mom truly wants to parent the child, it's still...

...still a very sad day for my friends.

A Moment at the Beach

2011-07-26T15:53:00.001-04:00

I have a love-hate relationship with the beach. I love it, don’t get me wrong. The majestic waves, tranquility, sun tans, frolicking in the waves and sandcastles – all fun.

I don’t like the leg chaffing that happens after a walk to the pier, the skinny bikini mommies on the beach holding babies in their hands and laughing at their husband’s funny jokes and the probability of ingesting sand at least some point while there. Also, seagulls freak me out a bit. Especially when 100 of them surround kids that are feeding them…which they shouldn’t be doing…but they are cause their bikini clad mommy isn’t watching them and is by now drinking beer with her showoff husband playing Kenny Chesney and smoking…on the beach...in 110 degree heat. Death is at your door, buddy. But, I digress.

Busy beaches are never fun either. Body to body…sand smacking your face from the 12 year old who decided to pick up his towel - lovely. The plus of a busy beach is people watching. By far, next to an outlet mall in South Carolina, it’s the best place to people watch. Really, people-watching is always fun in the South. I’m just being honest.

With this many people around, we knew that we were bound to get a comment or two and some stares. Our multicultural family is use to it, but it never really ceases to amaze me the things people say. And, we did get some comments. Most were kind “What a sweet baby” comments. We did have a few weirdos…

Her: “Ohh, look at that cute little brown baby.”

Me (in my mind): Ohhh look at your overweight, obese toddler… WHO SAYS BROWN BABY IN PUBLIC?

And then I met E. She came over and sat next to us while we were playing in the water with Bryce. She was very sweet (E. if you’re reading this, it was lovely to meet you!). We started talking as though we had known each other forever. She and her husband are thinking about transcultural adoption. They’ve done the IVF roller coaster. It’s been emotional. We talked about being uncomfortable with lots of pregnant women in one room, birth announcements and baby showers. She was so cool. She was brave for just walking up to me and starting this great conversation about adoption and infertility. Sure, hubs and Darius made for the waves after 5 minutes of infertility-speak, but we talked for more than 30 mins. We didn’t exchange numbers or contact information…we were on the beach after all with towels and boogie boards, not pen and paper, but I hope she looks me up.

I loved this encounter for a lot of reasons. I was glad she approached me to talk to me. It was therapeutic…especially in this lonely world of infertility where you really feel like no one understands, especially those who use to be your closest friends and who now have 2.5 children each. I really treasured our conversation and although I may never speak with E. again…I hope I meet more people IRL who have been on the island of desperation and infertility and who are attempting to live life after that difficult time…

While I wish I could say the beach was the best part of the trip, I can’t. It really was this great conversation with a complete stranger.

It was meant to be.

Day Trip to the Beach

2011-07-22T10:07:00.000-04:00

With all this job-related stress lately, we are taking off and driving 2 hours to the beach tomorrow for the day. We'll pack up the car early, pack a cooler filled with yummy snacks and lunch items, grab our beach tent and head out! I'm really looking forward to it. Of course we'll have to drive back sandy and tired in the evening, but it'll be worth it!

Is it hot where you live? Your answer is probably yes considering this heat front is sitting over 20+ states. It's suppose to be 103 here today with a heat index of 110. WTF. Seriously. HOT as H E double hockey sticks.

I'm thinking a little ocean water might help cool us down a bit...fingers are crossed! What are you doing this weekend? Anything fun?

Sometimes

2011-07-20T10:53:00.001-04:00

Sometimes, even when life feels a little crumby or off kilter, you have to celebrate these moments...

I'm so thankful for the joy that Bryce brings to our lives. It's not easy, but it's magical. :-)

Another wonderful thing to do when you're feeling a bit down and out is to celebrate and congratulate someone on their great news! Anytime anyone gets THE CALL it's exciting (nerve-wracking and anxiety-driven, too!) and I'm SO excited for Rebekka and her hubs!

Stop by this beautiful and magical blog to congratulate Rebekka and her hubs on getting THE call!

And thank you to everyone for your support. This has been a crazy tough week for me. I just pray that I can find another gig pronto.

Coolest.Kids.Ever.

2011-07-12T12:58:00.000-04:00

My kids are so my kids...why?

Bryce loves to have his photo taken. It's almost comical. I get the camera out and he starts posing. He starts to smile. He likes the flash, so he always reaches out for the camera. His smile is beautiful and just so priceless. I love taking his picture. He's the perfect child for a PR person...Smile, Snap, YAYYY!!!

Coolest.Kid.Ever.

Another equally cool kid is D-man, our 13 year old, who just went back to school. He's in year-round, so they went back on Monday. He's now in 8th grade. He is now BIG TIME. Ladies, Ladies, Ladies. He is also the best dressed kid at school. No, seriously, I'm not playing. :-) At the end of the year last year he received the award for being the best dressed kid in 7th grade. Why am I proud? Well, I buy his clothes...so, I get some credit. And, I love the way he dresses. He can dress preppy cool but then totally dress down in Nike gear for football...he can pull off boat shoes and a plaid shirt but also looks great in khaki shorts and a Hurley skater shirt. He's so trendy. I wish I was that kid when I was growing up. I totally wasn't. So, I'm totally living through his success! Such a cool kid. I love him so much.

BTW - I'm totally not bragging...But, I'm totally proud and in awe of my kids. So much cooler then I ever was or will be. Hubs is pretty cool too. HA!

The morning of D-man's first day of 8th grade with Hubs and Baby Bryce!


Ready for school...new backpack!

Party Spaz

2011-07-08T09:54:00.001-04:00

I'm a TOTAL party spaz. I love parties. I love parties for good reasons and I love parties for no reason at all. I also love planning parties.

In true party spaz fashion, I've already begun thinking about Bryce's big 1 event in September. We've already reserved the space, at an awesome park with lots of cool things to do, and I've started looking at invites. This is a big deal to me. We've survived! He's survived! Let's celebrate.

I want to order our invitations in the next two weeks, but I'd love to get your feedback before doing so. Take a look at the invites I've selected on the Tiny Prints Web site below and let me know what you think!

Happy Friday! Have a great weekend!

I Love Adoption

2011-07-07T08:58:00.000-04:00

I really love adoption. I love the concept of adoption. I love our adoption. I love the fact that other people I talk with online are adopting. I think it's awesome, plain and simple. Is it for everyone? Nope, not at all. It's hard, emotionally insane and not for those with a deficit of patience. But, when people make the decision to adopt and commit wholeheartedly, internationally or domestically, it's just an awesome thing.

I've been thinking about where I was and what I was doing this time last year. I was a nervous wreck, wondering if we'd ever get the call...if/when it would happen and driving our adoption agency crazy with questions and inquiries. I was painting the room, collecting baby items that I was sure to need and trying to keep myself busy. July was def. a time of stress for me a year ago...July was also the time when hubs and I asked to be included in an opportunity that was perfect for us on paper. We asked the agency to submit our profile to be reviewed. Our only concern was that the BM and BD stated they preferred an African American couple. While we wanted to be shown, we didn't think in our heart of hearts we'd be picked. That's a pretty strong request after all. Two weeks later, we had almost forgotten about it.

Little did we know that this opportunity, would turn into a call in August that would change our lives forever! At the end of July, Bryce's BM put our profile on her tummy and Bryce kicked. She put another profile on her tummy and there was nothing. Again, she put our profile on her tummy and Bryce started kicking again. She decided in that moment that she would pick the family her baby chose...but she waited until August to share that news. I'm glad she waited. Our wait, from when we got the call to when Bryce came home was about 15 days. I couldn't have imagined waiting two months; not with my anxiety and stress threshold!

In the spirit of adoption, today I wanted to share a really cool story about adoption that CNN featured the other day. I posted this on my Facebook page too and everyone loved it and reposted it themselves. Enjoy the read...makes me want to adopt again!

http://www.cnn.com/2011/LIVING/07/06/adult.adoption.o/index.html?hpt=hp_bn8

Happy reading!

WTF Wednesday

2011-07-06T15:51:00.000-04:00

I haven't had a WTF Wednesday in a while, so I thought I'd bring it back today. For good reason, promise.

My WTF Wednesday moment started with this...but much, much worse.

In the mornings, when I'm struggling to get out of the house with Bryce, a car seat, my work materials, purse and coffee, I sometimes just throw it all in the car, and put the coffee on top of the car until I get Bryce into his car seat. Sometimes I position it on the middle arm rest. Of course I'll remember it's there. Right? WRONG. Today, I got in and hit it (hard) with my elbow so hard that it covered (full cup no less) the entire back seat...and yes, Bryce went to day care smelling a bit like coffee too. MESS. It's already smelling gross in the car...the barista/coffee shop smell only lasted an hour on my commute. Got in the car at lunch and gagged. Must Febrezzzz ASAP.

In more WTF Wednesday Wackiness...WTF is up with the Casey.Anthony trial? I must say though, having followed the case here and there, the evidence and prosecution didn't do a great job (in my opinion). They def. left holes in the case. And Nancy.Grace, while well intentioned, is a MEDIA Freak. I'm just saying... In the end, my thoughts always go to her child. Some where, out there, there is a sweet angel with wings...that's for sure. Sad day.

And, finally, on this WTF Wednesday, WTF is up with my jealousy? I mean, lately, it's a 10 out of 1-10...maybe an 11 (my husband would say that.). You see, my ~~kinda~~ friend got a job, where she works from home, and she brags ALL OF THE TIME. I'm tired of it. BTW, she got a 20K raise, gets to eat lunch watching soaps and is SOOOO happy. Life is soooo wonderful. Arghhh...I know, I must be happy for her. I bought her a $50 gift card to congratulate her on the big win...and to start her home office. But, in my eyes, there are daggers...I must try harder to be a better friend. I must find another GIG. Argghh...

Beach Bound

2011-07-01T11:30:00.000-04:00

Hubs and I are heading to the beach...alone...for three days!

Have a great fourth everyone! Stay safe and have a blast!!!

Cheers to Four Years

2011-06-29T08:41:00.001-04:00

Four years ago today, I was at the best wedding ever. I think it was the best wedding I've ever attended. Beautiful spot (lake in New Hampshire), great attendees, awesome food, beautiful clothes...great day! Yes, maybe I'm partial to the experience...after all, it was my wedding! :-) But it totally rocked!

Happy Anniversary to hubs! He is the most caring, fun, patient and open minded person I know. I wouldn't want to share this crazy insane adventure with anyone else.

Cheers to four years!

Weekend Fun!

2011-06-27T12:05:00.000-04:00

Lost Beach Photos

2011-06-21T15:02:00.000-04:00

Here are some photos that I thought were completely lost from our beach trip in May...they came out pretty good. Enjoy!

Bryce loves his daddy!

Yes, he slept in his float on the beach for hours! He was comfy and the weather was beautiful!

Really bad family shot. Sun was in our face. No one is smiling...I think bugs were biting us too...no fun!

Grandma, Great Grandma and Bryce - all laughing!

Best friends

"I am SO chillin"

Great family shot - MIL, FIL, GG, Aunt, Darius & Bryce...hubs too!

This chair was his favorite!

"Yes, I know. I'm the best looking kid out there...NBD"

No, Please, Rethink

2011-06-16T11:14:00.000-04:00

Those are the toughest words to hear. For me, a true people pleaser, when someone says to me, "No, please rethink your decision." I want to say, "Sure, sounds great, let me rethink and do exactly what you're proposing (because I want you to like me)."

Ex boyfriends who were ex boyfriends for a reason would come back and say, "No, I love you, please stay in this (shitty, bad and depressing) relationship....please." And I would march to that drum thinking all would be different. Of course, it never was and it led right back into the ex ex direction. It doesn't typically end well.

As a professional working woman, I find my self worth in my work and career. I want a stable, ceiling bumping career that makes good money, achieves food for the ego and makes me feel good. Is that good for the spirit and the soul? Maybe not. But for me, and my type A personality, I'm no one without my career. I'm someone when I"m a fierce professional with relationships, networks and dynamic things happening. (It's okay if you disagree...hehe.)

So, I've been asked to reconsider my decision once again. I said no ~~to the place where I interviewed with a thousand people~~ to the last organization I interviewed with two weeks ago. I did so for a number of reasons, but most importantly because it was extremely disorganized, matrix centric and not at all friendly. When I asked them how they would foster my success, they had no answer. I saw lots of red flags. So, I politely said that I would not be moving forward, thanks, but no thanks.

Yesterday, I got the call and e-mail. I was the unanimous pick by all 17 people. Please reconsider your decision. Please rethink. Please continue the conversation. We want you.

Rip my heart out...it's like my ex boyfriend coming back and asking for my hand in marriage. YIKES!

On one hand boy do I want to say, "YES! I'm here and willing to drop everything and move to be there for you, to be liked, to be fulfilled and to solve all of the issues and address all of the needs you have. Yes! I'll do it!"

On the other hand, I want to say, "This sounds great, but, no thank you. While I appreciate your extremely kind words and vote of confidence, it's not the best position for me at this time in my life, for my family and for the future of my career (possible lie, it probably would be great for my career, just not my health)."

I've read in business journals that when you're asked to rethink something, such as staying at a company when you are trying to resign, it's never a good idea. But, in this situation, what do you do? It could be better... It could be a great place to work... It could be a great career move... It could be so many things.

I just don't know and it's enormously stressful. Headaches weekly for more than three months. As if life isn't stressful enough. I'm truly honored with the opportunity, I am...

So, the tough question: what would you do?

Bryce is so cool!

2011-06-15T16:33:00.002-04:00

Messy

2011-06-13T14:10:00.000-04:00

I'm a mess. I'm sure you know that if you've been following me for a while. The roots of my mess go back to adolescence, but the branches are what I deal with on a daily basis. I'm a grown woman, seemingly put together, smart, fun and creative. Inside I feel completely different. Broken and insignificant.

For the last six months I've felt like I've lost control of my plan. In college, I had this plan. When I got married, I had a plan. Career...I've always had a plan. Now, no plan and no idea what to do any more. Lost. I feel lost. I have no idea where I'm going. I have no idea what to do. I don't even know what I want to be when I grow up and I'm almost 32. Move or not move. Success or no success. Action or no action. Money or no money. Yes or no. I just feel like I'm at a complete loss.

# of job offers in the last two months: 3

# of jobs I've passed on for millions of stupid reasons: 3

My entire life I've tried to be better, smarter, more creative, happier, more successful.

And now I'm tired. Lost. Out of focus.

I've been reading so many blogs that are so beautiful, perfect and wonderful...I love to read them and relish in them. I wonder sometimes...what if my life was like that? So, I thought I'd turn this post into a couple of questions to my blog readers who care to comment...

How do you keep it all together? What gives you hope? How do you stay positive? What are you passionate about? What do you love?

Pool Time

2011-06-09T08:01:00.000-04:00

Bryce becomes a screaming crazy child when we attempt to get in a pool. We've tried all kinds of things to make him feel safe. We've bought him a couple wonderful flotation devices and such. None of it has worked yet. He still grabs our skin, twists and screams whenever we try to approach a pool.

Our final attempt was to purchase a very small inflatable pool and start doing little things to help him get use to it. We through his toys in too.

And, I'm happy to say, it's working! It's very funny seeing my husband and Bryce in this little pool...but oh so cute!

Heart my guys!

Good Thoughts

2011-06-03T10:24:00.002-04:00

"Don't refuse to go on an occasional wild goose chase - that's what wild geese are for."
~Author Unknown

I can't go into detail, but I'm being flown back up north for a second interview. I leave Sun. Send some good thoughts my way...please?!? This one includes relocation...

Happy Friday!

Uh-Oh

2011-05-31T09:18:00.000-04:00

No, nothing bad to report.

"Uh-Oh," is Bryce's new word. It's sooo cute! He says it constantly now. We always repeat it back to him. He still says Da Da Da Da all of the time, but this is a new, slightly more complex saying for him. Love it.

In Bryce news, he is also cutting TWO more teeth! All weekend he was a drool factory. We knew it was getting close and then we saw the white starting to show. He was a fussy baby this weekend, but I would be too if I was cutting teeth!

Oh, and I can't forget, Bryce turns 9 months old tomorrow. WOW!!!

It was a good long weekend. I got a ton of work done in the yard. I also pulled my back muscle a bit, but it was worth it. The yard looks great.

I hope you had a great weekend too! What did you do?

Happy Tuesday!

When Did He Turn Into Mr. Wiggles?

2011-05-24T15:56:00.002-04:00

No, I'm not talking about my husband. Ha...but that would be funny if that was my "pet" name for him though, wouldn't it? haha

I'm talking about Bryce.

Man, what happened? One moment he was still and calm and looking around like a sweet little boy curious about his surroundings. Now, it seems like the holy ghost has entered his body and he has turned into a arm throwing, foot kicking, throat screaming crazy child! "Listen little man, I know you might want to crawl or walk or something like that...but thrashing me, pulling my earrings out and yanking my hair in the process isn't going to get you closer to that mark!" Ya know?

It's cute...for 10 seconds. Then it's not cute. Especially at a wedding on Saturday. Luckily, someone else's baby was worse and MUCH louder. We sat in the back. I didn't know what to expect. Bryce yelled, "Da Da Da Da Da." I held him tight, like straight jacket tight and in his ear softly said, "Shhhhhhh." Afterall, the bride's Dad couldn't be there because he's a crappy dad and I didn't want her to feel terrible as she's standing there looking into the eyes of her kinda creepy man and all she hears is a kid shouting, "Da Da Da," from the stands. We don't want to be those people.

Luckily, we averted any issues and all was well. She didn't hear the Da, Da diatribe by little man and we didn't tell her. Good to go.

In other news, Mr. Wiggles is LOVING his day care. You probably remember me telling you about his day care from hell situation a while back and now he's been at the new place for about a month. It has really gone great. They love him. He is eating and seems happy, although not sleeping much because he isn't use to the noises still. All in all, life seems good. Not once have they told me that he's been irritable or high-maintenance. The old lady use to tell me that all of the time. "He probably has an ear infection," she would say. I think she hated him. He probably didn't like her either. Good riddance!

BTW - I turned down the Boston gig. It hit me hard and I was bed-ridden depressed this past weekend with a pillow over my head. But, I'm better today. It didn't help when I heard from someone else I interviewed with and they want me to come back on Monday for another rounds of interviews and to offer me their position. I haven't said no completely yet...because I want to see if relo is in the mix. But, will likely have to walk away. Yes, it feels good to be wanted. But man does it suck when you can't say yes. The job market sucks in my state...it's so much better elsewhere...just trying to figure out what to do next without leaving hubs or running away from home to join the circus.

Thanks for all of the support last week - love you guys!

Laugh About This!

2011-05-18T13:46:00.001-04:00

Need something to laugh about?

Seriously?

Then read this... it made me laugh so hard that I cried this morning!

Damn You Auto-Correct!

Love it! Why do I love it? Because it has happened to me...maybe not as horribly, but it HAS happened.

Enjoy!

Well...

2011-05-17T08:46:00.000-04:00

My adventures in Boston went great. Too great maybe. Well, maybe not TOO great...but scary, don't know what to do and how this is going to work - great... that's the great we're talking about today.

Two of my interviews were a waste of my time. I was either over qualified or had serious concerns about the office environment (people just didn't seem happy) or that a particular setting was filled with chaos. When I asked one woman, "What do you enjoy most about your job?" She promptly said, "My job is hard. It is SO hard. I enjoy some of what I do, but the majority of it is hard."

Okay...no thank you?!?

But one, the one that I was most concerned about the possibility of work life balance, ended up going really well. We clicked. It was like an eharmony moment..."This could be, an everlasting love..."

I went into the interview being as honest as possible about my life, kids and what I need to be happy. I didn't know if that approach would work. But, I wanted to set the expectations up front.

Looks like it might have worked!

Got a call from my recruiter and they are putting together an offer!!!

The big question now? HOW THE HELL ARE WE GOING TO DO THIS?

How are we going to float a house payment and a rental payment before we sell the house?

How are we going to relocate so fast?

What do we do with Bryce?

These questions kept me up all last night. I don't know how we are going to do this, but we want this so bad we can taste it. Do we quit now and hope for another day or do we press through, even if it means we live in a shitty apartment for 6 months to a year? Will the end justify the means? I think/hope so. Can we do this, hubs and I?

This is a huge concept to even wrap our minds around...and I'm still stuck in the mire of what this might mean. Sure, I've thought about it before now, before I thought I'd actually get an offer...but now...this is real.

REAL. REAL. REAL.

Any advice at this stage in the game? I expect an offer by the end of the week or early next week.

Are you an expert at this and can shed some light for me? Ideas or thoughts on creative financing? Any help, thoughts and encouragement is appreciated! :-)

I don't like to ask for help...but...

2011-05-10T16:38:00.004-04:00

Seriously, I hate asking for help. Not good at it at all. So, you know that I'm only asking you, my wonderful readers, this because it's really needed...for my mental well-being and stuff...which is very important, you know?

Can you PLEASE, PRETTY PLEASE, send me some encouragement for my trip to Boston Wed. - Sun. and for my interviews? I now have three...and I'm nervous, excited, anxious and happy all in the same thought!

I need a good old fashion (kinda-creepy I guess) group hug!

Hubs, D-man and my mom are excited about my upcoming adventure, but beyond that, our friends are NOT being supportive. They don't want us to move, etc. We need support right now...we don't need, "What are you guys thinking????"

I need an atta-girl pat on the butt, seriously.

We need some shout outs...maybe a, "You Go Girl!"

Can you spare a couple?

Pretty please???

Thank you!!!

500 different directions at once

2011-05-06T13:45:00.001-04:00

That's me.

We went to the beach last weekend and I have some great photos to post. I'll try to post them this weekend. It was a good trip, but stressful with the INSANE in-laws. Beautiful environment though...so, the photos came out great.

Bryce started his new day care and it's going GREAT! They love him there already...I'm so glad. Talk about a tremendous relief...quality care is a must.

Also, big news...I have two interviews in the Boston area next week. I'm flying up on Wed. Anyone live there? I'd love to meet you! We'll see how they go. I'm also meeting with a Realtor, looking at child care centers, taking a look at schools, etc. We shall see but PLEASE send me good vibes, prayers and kind words about this really hard, crazy decision & upcoming interviews.

Stay tuned for more!!! :)

Comments People Make

2011-04-27T08:23:00.002-04:00

I attended a great transracial adoption support group meeting last night. It included a lively and at times funny discussion of scenarios, what-if situations, stupid comments and awkward moments. I wrote down some of the comments people face in order to be prepared myself...plus, there was one great comeback that I loved.

So, I thought...it's important to share the stupid comments adoptive parents receive from time to time - especially if the child looks different then the rest of the family. We've all been in a situation where someone has said something stupid to us and on the flip side, I'm sure many of us, me included, have said stupid things and knew it the minute it slipped out! We're human...

I'm sure some of you can add to the list, but these are the frequent comments that come our way.

Greg, Guy friend & Bryce at store: "Oh, it's so great that they let gay couples adopt now."
"What country did you get him from?"
"Where did you get him?"
"Oh he's so lucky."
"You're a saint for adopting a disadvantaged child."
"Do you even know how to take care of his hair?"
"Are you the babysitter?"
"Wow...he's really dark."
"Did his Mom do drugs?"
"Do you keep in touch with his real mom?"
"They really shouldn't let white people adopt black babies."
"Do you know his medical history?"
"Oh how cute, it's like you're Angelina Jolie or something."
"I think I'll adopt one day - it's easy!"
"Is your husband really dark?"
"With D-man and Bryce: "Is that his child?"
"Why did you adopt a black baby?"
"What is he?"
"Do you know that if he's in the sun he will get darker?"

Best return comment ever without having to over share or talk further to the person...

"Why do you ask?"

It stops people in their tracks!

Do you have any other great comebacks to add? Let me know! Share and share a like!

Sometimes You Feel Like an Ass

2011-04-26T14:35:00.002-04:00

It's true.

I feel like the world is just whipping by me and I'm doing the best to hold on, but not doing well. Too much faster and I'll go tumbling off over the edge into nothingness. That's what everything feels like.

I do feel like an ass today. A horrible person. Guilty...that's what I feel. My friend, the one I complained about...who was having a baby and who told me that she didn't want the baby at first...miscarried. I was the first person she called. I had the hardest time trying to figure out what to say. She had the same doctor that I did when I had my ectopic. I tried to think hard...what did I want people to say? I probably did horribly. Talk about tables reversed, right? So, I cut my husband's newly baked chocolate birthday cake in half and brought it to her last night. We both ate it all...I hugged her and told her I loved her. I feel terrible for being so jealous and selfish...I will do much better in the future, I promise.

In other news...

...We found a new day care and broke up with the old one. I begged my sweet and loving husband to take and pick up Bryce all week so that I don't have to deal with her...and he said, "Okay!" I love him so much. Yes, passive, aggressive...but I don't want to deal with her. Bryce starts the new place on May 2. Fingers are crossed.

...My mom had two big medical tests on Monday and today and the first results didn't come out well...there is the possibility of cervical cancer. If the results come back positive for cancer, it will be tough. My mom, lives two hours away, and is alone. She is so depressed right now...and I'm having such a hard time trying to figure out how to make all of this better. I need to pray hard on this...I'm scared too.

...Job search continues. I have a big interview on Thursday for an agency and another one on Monday with a great company. They are phone interviews though...hate phone interviews. So, I must get my GREAT PR voice in working order...haha...we shall see how they go. The big question is...what if I land a job far away and Mom has to have surgery, needs support, etc.? I guess...we'll cross that bridge when we get to it. Deep breath.

...And finally, we head to an island with the crazy in laws this weekend. D-man is bringing a friend. I'd like to jump off the ferry on the way to the island. I'm expecting crazy...Maybe I can steal away a couple moments by myself without anyone. Doubtful, but maybe.

...Oh, and this...I've read that you reap what you put out into the universe. Right now I feel like all I'm putting out is CRAZINESS. So, is that why my world is tipsy? I don't know...something to think about.

I'm attending a workshop on transracial adoption tonight...I think we're going to talk about what to say to racist rednecks when cornered with inappropriate questions...should be a lively discussion. Hubs was recently labeled gay when out with a guy friend and Bryce. It's crazy the stuff people say in the South. He was cool with the situation...I might have smacked the guy if I was there. I'm glad I wasn't there.

Okay, finally done...Whooohooo!

Finding quality child care

2011-04-22T13:15:00.002-04:00

I don't know if I've talked about child care much, maybe a little, but it's a very important aspect of our life because both hubs and I work full time. We need quality, caring, wonderful childcare. Over the past few months, it's become evident that Bryce is NOT in the best child care environment...one thing after another has happened and I've decided that we're going to change. She doesn't respect us as Bryce's parents. She acts like a doctor and tries to diagnose his cries, text messages me nonstop and gets frustrated if he's fussy, sometimes asking us to pick him up. I've even showed up early one day and he was sitting strapped into a car seat...NOT OKAY! It finally came to blows earlier this week...and that was it. I was done. NOOOO MORE.

I put my foot down.

Yesterday, I visited four centers in a 2.5 hour span. Quick, I know. They are well-known centers....and each was very different. I was specifically looking for: mature infant room staff, loving/material staff, fine motor skill toys, organization in the room and high quality. Hubs didn't tag along...so it was just me. I think I did well and found a great spot for him. It's $300 more than we're paying now, but I think it'll be great for Bryce. We hope for him to start on May 2.

That brings me to breaking up with the current child care provider from hell. She requests a two week notice. Will she be mean to Bryce after we break up with her? I don't know. I'm worried, but we must press forward. So, tomorrow, hubs and I are going to type up an e-mail and let her know that Bryce's last day will be Thursday next week...(we're going out of town on Thur-Sun.) And we'll pay her for an extra week that he won't be there. I hope that works out. Fingers are crossed.

I keep saying, this isn't personal, it's strictly business. But then I think for a minute. No, it's kinda personal...it's my baby. And I don't like her - personally. :-)

Happy weekend everyone!

Dreaming...

2011-04-20T13:34:00.000-04:00

...of moving.

Do you know this feeling...the feeling when you've updated your resume and you think it looks great and you start sending it out. Then, one night, as you're looking it over quickly, you find a stupid mistake? Yep...happens to me all of the time. I HATE that. After finding one of those stupid mistakes, I was a bit bummed yesterday.

But, then I got an e-mail. Someone wanted to talk to me about a position. Wow. Then I got a call from a recruiter about a job. All in one day. These are my first nibbles at my job search in the northeast. They felt good. I had a great conversation with the woman at the first company. She's worried about me needing to relocate; however, I tried to put her mind at ease...as much as I could. Afterall, I don't REALLY know how this is all going to work out. It's a huge leap...

But, fake it to you make it...right? We shall see.

I'm still trying to connect with the recruiter. We shall see about that too.

But today, in my after nibble bliss, I can't help but to dream about the possibilities...quality of life...location...etc.

This photo of New Hampshire is courtesy of TripAdvisor

This photo of New Hampshire is courtesy of TripAdvisor

This photo of New Hampshire is courtesy of TripAdvisor

This photo of New Hampshire is courtesy of TripAdvisor

Ahhh....to dream! :-)

Tornadoes

2011-04-18T08:59:00.002-04:00

And then there are those times in your life when you are just glad that you're family is safe.

This was our weekend...

Tornadoes touched down all around our home on Saturday, but luckily, we received no damage. It was horrible though... And the damage where I live is extensive.

We still don't have power and while I hate the entire pioneer lady thing, I'm just glad we're safe and sound. I hope all of you who live throughout the South are safe as well!!!

Photos

2011-04-15T08:57:00.001-04:00

I have so many photos. I love them all. I'm not the best photographer, that's for sure...but what great memories to treasure always!

Hubs and baby Bryce...chillin

MS Walk Photo. Bryce is with his "Aunt" Jen. Not really his aunt...but sweet just the same!

Bad double chin photo but cute of hubs.

"Look at my teeth!!!"

Bryce with his birthmom...we dressed him up so cute!

Stressed

2011-04-14T14:27:00.000-04:00

I'm the person that usually has some type of crisis in my life. Maybe I create it, maybe I'm drawn to it. I did great on the debate team in high school. I think I'm a fixer, so I always look for big problems ti fix - whether they are mine or for someone else. Problems are always nearby...and it's sometimes very difficult for me to take a step back and just smell the roses.

When I heard this recent study on NPR regarding age and longevity, it confirmed what I always thought would be the case...I will not live to a ripe old age. It just won't happen. I don't let anything go easily. I don't bounce back from stress. Click on the link below to learn all about the rewards of a bounce back personality.

http://www.npr.org/2011/04/11/135216852/want-to-live-to-100-try-to-bounce-back-from-stress

Anyway...this has been a crap week. On Sunday, hubs and I came back from a fun weekend...to water pouring through the kitchen ceiling. It has been a mess.

Also this week was the revelation that I would probably be eliminated from my job as of July 1 due to state budget cuts of more than 50 percent to our office. I have GOT to find another job. My goal...is by June 13. I don't know if I can do that. There are NOT a lot of jobs out there. My search includes five different states. No calls back yet. ARGH...

I'm filled with lots of frustration, uncertainty, emotion, guilt (for leaving my other job to come to this job...when it's not working either!) and exhaustion. I need friends right now, and they aren't there...I wish I had a big, wonderful family that could help...and talk me through some of this...like in the TV show Parenthood. Nope, not me. The only person that cares is my Mom. Hubs' parents are so self absorbed and clueless...they don't care about anyone other than themselves. I'm not being mean...I'm being truthful.

I'm fearful...I don't want to be laid off. I want a plan B. I want options.

I have none right now...

And I'm the family breadwinner...

Drats. #@$%

Weekend Blitz

2011-04-12T11:23:00.000-04:00

Our weekend was chalked full of goings on.

The MS walk on Saturday morning went off great. The weatherman had said it would be 85 degrees. Winds changed overnight however and it was 50 degrees. Unfortunately, I didn't see the update and we did NOT dress appropriately. Bryce looked cute as ever but in shorts. Luckily as we were running out of the house, we grabbed a blanket for him and kept him bundled tightly.

After the walk, we traveled to GWL. As much as we hoped that Bryce would just love it, he didn't. He cried, fussed and was generally NOT happy with the water, kids splashing all around or the indoor waterpark. Maybe next year he'll love it. D-man had a great time with his best friend though. Our friends that we went there with, as I've mentioned before, is the one expecting...and not that happy about it. I had a tough time making conversation. I think our friendship is really changing. It was def. awkward...and then hubs and I paid for dinner that night for everyone, thinking it would be a great gesture. The next day D-man came home and said they were offended that we paid. That pissed me off so much...hubs reminded me that it was a 13-year-old saying this...but still, I wanted to tell them to go F-off. Nice and sweet like. Who knows. I don't like that relationship right now.

Then, on Sunday afternoon, we saw Bryce's birthmom. It was a nice visit. It's always hard, you know...my heart aches for her every time I see her. She loves him so much. She holds him so tight. She was wearing the necklace we gave her when Bryce came home. Bryce played with it the entire time...it was cute. We took a walk and she pushed him in his stroller...then, we left. She gave him an Easter bag full of goodies - bunny, book, pictures of her family, etc. It made me cry... I feel guilty...like I stole her baby away. I know I didn't, and she chose adoption for her own reasons, but it is really difficult for me right now. I feel terrible.

Bryce is doing great though...he has hit a growth spurt and looks much more toddler like! He is sleeping better, still with one-two wake ups, but seems more content and comfortable with his ears and tummy issues...So sweet and cute. I hope everyone is doing great this week - I hope the weather gets much more spring-like!

:-)